diamond geezer

 Monday, December 20, 2004

preparing for Christmas emergencies

The Government is working hard to make sure that the UK is as prepared as it can be for Christmas, and it is important that you are ready too. By being informed and prepared, you can significantly reduce the risk to life, property and waistline. We’d therefore like to take this opportunity to warn you that the country will soon be shutting down for at least two days, maybe four, maybe a week and a half, and that buying food and travelling by rail will be nigh impossible during this period.

general advice about what to do in an emergency

If you should suddenly find yourself in the middle of Christmas, your common sense and instincts will usually tell you what to do. Unfortunately hiding in the cupboard under the stairs until the whole event is over is not usually an acceptable option.

Whatever the case, it is important to:
Make sure 999 has been called.
Wait patiently for three wise men to arrive.
Follow the advice of the emergency services.
Get extremely drunk in a desperate attempt to blot out the nightmare festive situation.

If you are not involved in the incident, for example because you are of a different religion which doesn’t believe that it's possible for a supreme being to impregnate an innocent woman, then you may still be in danger. In such cases the advice is:

1) Go inside a safe building.
Unsafe buildings are clearly marked on the outside by glowing, flashing lights. Beware. The occupants are likely to have been brainwashed by commercial forces beyond their control and may try to force feed you with sherry. Keep away.

2) Stay inside until you are advised to do otherwise.
Signs that the Christmas period is finally over include lengthening daylight hours, blooming flowers, repeated holiday advertisements and being able to turn off your central heating. If in doubt, emerge and see.

3) Tune in to local radio or TV for more information.
When Christmas is first sighted on the horizon, usually in late October, radio and TV companies will interrupt their normal programming to bring you information about the incident and to dispense retail advice. All your favourite celebrities will appear, bedecked with sparkly tinsel, telling you what necessary preparations need to be made, what supplies to stock up on and who has the best 3 for 2 offers on bottled water and tinned food.

Remember: go in, stay in, tune in, block out.

In certain very unlikely situations, you may be asked to leave your home by the emergency services:

Regret using quite so much brandy on the Christmas pudding.
Unplug the flashing snowman on the roof.
Leave as quickly and calmly as possible.
No, put those presents down and leave now.
If you are forced to travel long distances to unknown parts of the country in order to reach a place of safety, remind yourself that this is what Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus did 2000 years ago and that everything turned out alright in the end.

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