diamond geezer

 Wednesday, March 16, 2005

dg's School Dinners

That Jamie Oliver has been doing sterling work on TV recently (final programme tonight) showing up modern school dinners for the fat-soaked nutrient-free snacks that they really are. Rich greedy catering companies spend a mere 37p a head serving up cheap fried horrors to the nation's children, and we allow them to get away with it. It's truly scandalous.

We never had this problem when I was a kid. No turkey twizzlers or fishy shapes were served up in the good old days, oh no. My daily dinner money was nearer 15p, and for that I got a plateful of real food, lovingly produced on the premises by battleaxes in pink hairnets. There was no such thing as choice back then - I either ate what I was given or I was forced to eat it anyway. And it never did my waistline any harm (not when I was a kid anyway).

So today I'm proposing a new culinary revolution in the world of school catering. None of this namby-pamby organic vegetarian rubbish that Mr Oliver is proposing to foist on the nation's youth. Instead we should return to core food values, back to nutritional basics and revert to the heritage school dinners of old. If it was good enough to stave off rickets in the 1960s and 70s, it's got to be good enough to feed obese lardbucket kids today. Here's my proposed fortnightly menu:

Week 1
Week 1
Week 1
Week 1
Week 1
Macaroni cheese.

Jam sponge with coconut sprinkles,
lumpy custard.
Liver and bacon,
boiled potatoes,
shredded cabbage.

Arctic Roll.
pastry slice,
mashed swede.

Tinned peaches,
ice cream.
Gristly beef,
burnt roast potatoes,
bullet peas,

Dry fish finger,
lumpy mash,
cold baked beans.

Jam roly poly,
pink custard.
Week 2
Week 2
Week 2
Week 2
Week 2
Cheese and egg flan,
diced beetroot.

strawberry jam.
overcooked carrots.

Spotted dick,
custard (with skin).
Spam fritters,
scoop of potato,
stewed tomatoes.

shortbread finger.

Boiled fish in white sauce,

Chocolate sponge,
chocolate custard.

As you can see, there's still one day's menu left to complete. Any suggestions?

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