| the diamond geezer tourist map of London | Regents Park
The perfect spot for a picnic, or to see lots of endangered zoo animals holed up in grim concrete bunkers | Kings Cross
Will eventually be a magnificent gateway to the continent, but in the meantime it's just a seedy dump full of hookers | Islington
Trendy shopping area full of overpriced antiques, multi-ethnic restaurants and severe traffic congestion | Shoreditch
Even trendier area full of arty types, media dahlings and people in danger of disappearing up their own arsehole |
Paddington
Godforsaken hotel zone full of cafes and bureaux de change, named after an immigrant bear from Peru | Oxford Street
Great Britain's most over-hyped high street - it doesn't even have a Woolworths, for example | Tottenham Court Road
Spiritual home of all things electrical, at a knockdown price if you learn to haggle properly | British Museum
Lots of old relics stolen from ancient civilisations during the less enlightened days of the British Empire | The City
The bit of London that makes all the money - all posh shirts and shiny glass towers (closed weekends) |
Hyde Park
Huge green space where Princess Diana's memorial water feature stands decaying beside the Serpentine | Buckingham Palace
Big Georgian mansion behind whose closed doors the Royal Family slag each other off and sleep with corgis | Piccadilly Circus
Busy road junction filled by tourists taking photographs of one another beneath a boarded-up statue | Trafalgar Square
Large paved space, home to several minority interest cultural festivals (and no longer full of pigeons) | The Tower
Once William the Conqueror's most feared castle, but now the site of London's most feared admission charges |
Kensington
Posh area full of toffs where entrance to the excellent local museums is the only thing that doesn't cost the earth | Victoria
Soulless urban hub thronging with hotels, coffee shops, faceless offices and a variety of bland chain stores | Westminster
Seat of government since medieval times (at least until the Home Secretary decides the place is a security risk and shuts it down) | London Eye
A giant ferris wheel where you can enjoy spectacular views while locked in a glass pod with several French schoolkids | Tower Bridge
Victorian icon featured on souvenir teatowels, novelty keyrings and every single movie ever made about the capital |
