diamond geezer

 Monday, March 21, 2005

the diamond geezer tourist map of London Regents Park

The perfect spot for a picnic, or to see lots of endangered zoo animals holed up in grim concrete bunkers
Kings Cross

Will eventually be a magnificent gateway to the continent, but in the meantime it's just a seedy dump full of hookers
Islington

Trendy shopping area full of overpriced antiques, multi-ethnic restaurants and severe traffic congestion
Shoreditch

Even trendier area full of arty types, media dahlings and people in danger of disappearing up their own arsehole
Paddington

Godforsaken hotel zone full of cafes and bureaux de change, named after an immigrant bear from Peru
Oxford Street

Great Britain's most over-hyped high street - it doesn't even have a Woolworths, for example
Tottenham Court Road

Spiritual home of all things electrical, at a knockdown price if you learn to haggle properly
British Museum

Lots of old relics stolen from ancient civilisations during the less enlightened days of the British Empire
The City

The bit of London that makes all the money - all posh shirts and shiny glass towers (closed weekends)
Hyde Park

Huge green space where Princess Diana's memorial water feature stands decaying beside the Serpentine
Buckingham Palace

Big Georgian mansion behind whose closed doors the Royal Family slag each other off and sleep with corgis
Piccadilly Circus

Busy road junction filled by tourists taking photographs of one another beneath a boarded-up statue
Trafalgar Square

Large paved space, home to several minority interest cultural festivals (and no longer full of pigeons)
The Tower

Once William the Conqueror's most feared castle, but now the site of London's most feared admission charges
Kensington

Posh area full of toffs where entrance to the excellent local museums is the only thing that doesn't cost the earth
Victoria

Soulless urban hub thronging with hotels, coffee shops, faceless offices and a variety of bland chain stores
Westminster

Seat of government since medieval times (at least until the Home Secretary decides the place is a security risk and shuts it down)
London Eye

A giant ferris wheel where you can enjoy spectacular views while locked in a glass pod with several French schoolkids
Tower Bridge

Victorian icon featured on souvenir teatowels, novelty keyrings and every single movie ever made about the capital
dg 2005)


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