• Red jam tart Line large aluminium tray with pastry, open catering-sized tin of red jam, spread really really thinly over base, add a couple of twisty pastry strips to add depth, bake in large school oven, cut into small rectangles, serve.
• Chocolate Concrete Melt 250g margarine in saucepan, add 300g plain flour, 150g demerara sugar and 25g cocoa, press into greased tin, prick the top and bake at gas mark 5 for 30-40 minutes, brush with water, sprinkle with castor sugar.
• Prunes and custard Fill large vat with milk and custard powder, leave to bubble overnight until lumps appear, add pink blancmange for colour (optional), ladle into battered serving jugs, wait until skin depth has reached 2mm; meanwhile share out huge can of prunes into several metal trays, dump unceremoniously on table, force children to eat, watch them sob.
• Butterscotch tart Melt 250g butter on low heat, add 200ml milk and 500g brown sugar, stir until dissolved, whisk in 2 heaped tablespoons of flour, reduce heat when mixture thickens, pour onto pre-cooked pastry base, wait to cool.
• Rice pudding Wait until children have finished their free milk at morning break, ask milk monitors to bring crates to school kitchen, pour leftover liquid into cauldron, add marble-sized rice grains, simmer on low heat until tepid, serve with dollop of jam.
• Gypsy tart Whisk together 400g tin of evaporated milk and 350g sugar for 10 minutes until light and fluffy and coffee coloured, pour mix into shortcrust pastry case, bake at gas mark 6 for 10 minutes, serve cold.
• Pigswill Line large bin with black bag, place near exit to school canteen, wait.
