How's your New Year Detox going? Not very well, I bet. People seem to kick off January with such idealistic healthy resolutions, but by mid-January most of those lofty ideals have probably foundered. Let's face it, you're in serious danger of turning back into the weak-willed toxin-bloated slob you were at the end of December. Unless you buck yourself up sharpish, that is, and re-commit to persistent self-improvement. Here are several motivational tips to get your New Year Detox back on track...
1) Try walking upstairs rather than taking the lift. If necessary, quit your current job and take a new one on a higher floor. 2) Drink at least eight glasses of water a day to flush out your system (but don't waste your money on the bottled stuff, the fizzy stuff or the 'hint of peach and lychee' stuff). 3) Every spiritual adventurer needs a mantra which they chant repeatedly in an attempt to reach inner equilibrium. Make yours "omigodimlookingfat omigodimlookingfat". 4) That gym membership you signed up for last week. Have you considered going back for a second session? I know the exercises hurt, your personal trainer is a sadist, the place stinks of sweat and the showers are full of exhibitionists, but it is a bit of a waste of £90 otherwise. 5) If you're having trouble sticking to your boring green-only diet, spice it up with a multipack of Walkers salt and vinegar crisps. 6) Destress yourself by taking a bath in aromatherapy oil. With a bit of luck the stench will knock you unconscious, at which point none of your petty health, workload and debt problems will matter any more. 7) One of the best ways to stop smoking is to take a part-time voluntary job in your local hospice. 8) Get off your tube train one stop early and walk the rest of the way home (n.b. not recommended if you live north of Watford). 9) If all else fails, you'll find that amputating your left leg can decrease your weight by up to 10%. 10) Eat fruit - but don't swallow the pips as they will started growing in your tummy and then you'll be become ENORMOUS. (says zoe) 11) Switch to organic produce only. It's so expensive you will only be able to afford half the amount, thus cutting your calorie intake by 50%. (says Tim) 12) If you drink enough coffee throughout the day (black, no sugar of course), you can keep your heart rate at 50% above normal for a free cardio workout! (says Chz) 13) Still got some of that left-over turkey from Christmas? Leave it in the airing cupboard overnight then treat yourself to a tasty turkey-and-botulism sandwich. You'll find the weight just drops off. (says PT) 14) Unscrew the shower head, stick the hose up your yoo-hoo, turn on the tap, fill till painful, release. Voila! Detox. (remember not to do this in the bathroom dept at John Lewis) (says dave) 15) Always weigh yourself first thing in the morning, as severe alcoholic dehydration works wonders on the bathroom scales. (says mike) 16) Swallow a tapeworm. Not as much fun as a cocaine habit (from what I've heard) but cheaper, and apparently very effective. (says Misty) (any more suggestions?)
