Scene 1: The date is March 31st 2010. Doris Wilkins is walking to the shops to spend her pension. A police officer helps her across the road. Doris: Ooh thank you kind sir. Police officer: That's no problem Mrs er.... what's your name, madam? Doris: It's Doris. Doris Wilkins. Police officer: Can you prove that, madam? Doris: What do you mean, prove it? I've always been Doris ever since I was born. My name's Doris Wilkins and I live over there at number 37. Police officer: I'm sorry madam, but that's not good enough any more. Do you have an ID card? Doris: No I don't. I don't need a passport these days, I only ever go as far as Penzance for the bingo now. Police officer: I'm sorry madam, but I'm going to have to insist that you get yourself an ID card. We can't be too careful you know, what with terrorists on the loose, illegal immigrants in every port and benefit cheats at every turn. Doris: But I don't need an ID card, I know who I am already. I don't have dementia or anything. Police officer: I'm sorry madam, but you need to apply for one as soon as possible. We can't have ambiguous unidentified citizens walking the streets, can we? Imagine the threat to society that you're creating. Doris: You're joking, obviously. Police officer: Not at all madam. The Government voted this in four years ago. Don't worry, you can apply online. Doris: My nephew has that interweb thing, but he lives in Newcastle. Police officer: Don't worry madam, I have a pile of paper forms here. Just fill one in and pop along to your local passport office, will you?
Scene 2: The date is April 1st 2010. Doris Wilkins has been waiting at her local passport office for several hours. An Identity Confirmation Officer summons her to the admin booth. Clerk: Bore Da! Doris: Don't you talk your funny Welsh at me young lady. Do you know how long it's taken me to get here from Cornwall? Clerk: I'm sorry madam, but Newport is your closest 'Identity and Passport Office'. Now, could you just stare into this camera while I take your photograph? Doris: But I haven't had my hair done since last week, and I look a mess. Clerk: Never mind, madam. And make sure you don't smile. Our multi-million pound computer system can't cope properly if you smile. Doris: I'm not bloody smiling after that train journey. Clerk: Thank you. Now if I could just take your fingerprints... Doris: What do you mean, fingerprints? Who do you think I am, some evil criminal? Clerk: Well I can't be certain yet, madam. You haven't been verified. Doris: This is a diabolical liberty, this is. I was in the RAF in the war, you know. Clerk: Maybe you were, madam. Now, can I have your payment please? That'll be 133 euros with a biometric passport, or 43 euros without. Doris: What's that in old money? Anyway, I don't have any cash left, I spent it all on that rip-off of a Virgin train service trying to get here. Clerk: Never mind madam, we can deduct the requisite payment from your pension. Now, the only other thing I need is to see some verification of your identity. We need to be able to prove that you are who you say you are before we can issue you with your card. Doris: I've got my bingo membership certificate here if that helps. Clerk: I'm sorry madam, we'll need something better than that. Do you have an ID card?
