Hello children everywhere. Do you have a Blue Peter badge? Oh good. They're lovely aren't they? Big and white and rubbery with a lovely ship on the front. But is yours a genuine Blue Peter badge obtained through the correct channels? We hope so. Because we've heard that certain naughtypeople have been obtaining Blue Peter badges by nefarious means like buying and selling them on eBay. Honestly! And then going along to major UK attractions like Hampton Court and Edinburgh Zoo and demanding free admission. Tut. We're very disappointed with you all.
There are several official ways to obtain a genuine Blue Peter badge:
• Write us a letter, preferably in wax crayon so it reassures us that you're six years old. Tell us about your rabbit, or write a poem about raindrops, or outline an idea you've had to save the planet by recycling bottletops. You can even apply online these days, just in case you've forgotten how to hold a pen.
• Enter one of our exciting competitions (for bike safety or something equally worthy) and win a prize. A picture of a puppy painted in non-lifelike primary colours usually swings it.
• Do something really really brave, like setting fire to your house and then single-handedly rescuing a small kitten by fighting through the flames. We can give you a gold Blue Peter badge for that (and your kitten might get one too).
However, we've been made aware of several unofficial ways to obtain a genuine Blue Peter badge:
• Bid for an unwanted badge on eBay. Pah! We send these badges out for free, and you're flogging them on the internet for up to £70. How could you? It's little more than online prostitution.
• Mug a small child at knifepoint as they approach the gates of Blenheim Palace proudly wearing their competition winner's badge. • Trash the Blue Peter Garden by breaking in overnight and throwing the tortoise into the goldfish pond, then sending an schmaltzy email to the programme saying "I woz shocked it is awful I hope you catch the bastards wot dunnit".
And we've been disturbed to hear of several ways to create a fake Blue Peter badge:
• Make your own badge using a cereal packet, a squeezy bottle, a safety pin and some sticky-back plastic. Everybody has some sticky-back plastic lying around in a drawer at the back of the garage, don't they? But make sure you ask an adult to help you with the safety pin.
• Find yourself a small boat, preferably one with billowy sails, and stick it to a large piece of MDF. It might fool the myopic bloke at the Warwick Castle ticket kiosk if you're lucky.
• Get a qualified tattooist to ink the Blue Peter ship onto your lapel (n.b. logo may not appear genuine when you reach pensionable age).
It's become clear to us that this appalling situation cannot continue. We've taken firm action and have withdrawn all privileges for Blue Peter badgeholders forthwith. Yes we know the Easter holidays are coming up but bad luck, you're all now going to have to pay full price to get into Legoland and Woburn Safari Park. Serves you right.
Obviously the long term solution is to introduce Blue Peter ID cards. Every time a child sends us a letter we'll ask them to attach full biometric details including a strand of their hair and a passport sized photo showing distinguishing facial features. Initially this will be optional, but from 2007 BPID cards will be issued to every child in the country alongside the annual television license. Rest assured that this is in no way an invasion of children's privacy. Neither is this an over-bureaucratic over-reaction to a minor security issue. This is about stopping greedy middle-class families from gaining free admittance to the London Eye. This is about freedom. And later on this is about us selling all your information to the Home Office. They're stilltrying to create a national identity database by stealth, but here's one we made earlier.
A very stern message from the Blue Peter team
• Trash the Blue Peter Garden by breaking in overnight and throwing the tortoise into the goldfish pond, then sending an schmaltzy email to the programme saying "I woz shocked it is awful I hope you catch the bastards wot dunnit".
