According to unconfirmed hearsay, the 14 housemates entering Britain's most famous House tonight will be as follows:
Tony: Has survived being up for eviction in the last three consecutive public votes, but now much more unpopular after failing to inspire confidence during recent War task. Gordo: In charge of totting up the weekly shopping list. Friends with Tony in public, but in private has been caught encouraging the other housemates to nominate "the useless slimy bastard". Prezza: The biggest Brother of all, now to be found lounging around with nothing to do in the expensive luxury annexe. Clarke: In an interesting and highly entertaining twist, has already been evicted before the series begins. Cameron: Worthy young toff from the shires, on a secret mission to occupy the jacuzzi for the rest of the series. Howard: Runner-up from the previous series, still to be found sleeping in his coffin in the bedroom after lights out. Ming: Father of the House. Often attempts to chip in to general gossip but has yet to make much of an impression. Reid: Often to be found in the diary room urging programme bosses to install even more CCTV cameras to keep an eye on the assembled population. Black Rod: Token multiracial character. Chief Whip: Token transexual Red Indian stripper. Tessa: Responsible for recent success in winning the Big Brother Olympic task, but often in tears because other housemates doubt she can deliver. Beckett: The tabloids have not been kind. Has been whisked off to Big Brother USA to move in with Bushy, Clint and Condo. Jade: She may be thicker than three short planks, but I bet you'd trust her to run the country far more than all of the above put together. Galloway: Nah, come on, what's the likelihood of a politician appearing on a blatantly self-publicising show like this?