150000 BC: Three passing woolly mammoths become London's first foreign tourists. 43 AD: The Romans invade Britain, build a fort on the Thames and call it Londinium, little realising that one day this new settlement will be at the centre of a great world empire (much like their own). 61: Boadicea pops down from East Anglia on a weekend break and burns the city to the ground. 407: The curtain goes down on 'Romans in Britain' after a record-breaking West End run. 457: The Saxons invade, only to be kicked out by the Viking invasion of 851, only to be kicked out by the Britons under King Alfred in 886, only to be kicked out by the Danish invasion of 1013, only to be kicked out by William the Conqueror invading in 1066. I told you this was a brief history. 1078: With classic medieval simplicity, William builds a white tower called the White Tower. 1209: The first stone London Bridge is completed, and is promptly decorated with the severed heads of those who've failed to pay their Congestion Charge. 1397: Dick Whittington is elected Mayor, narrowly beating Ken Livingstone in the second ballot. 1599: Verily doth William Shakespeare establish ye Globe Theatre in fair Southwark. 1665: The Plague kills 70000 people but leaves buildings standing. 1666: The Great Fire of London lays waste 13000 buildings but leaves only six people not standing. 1814: Global warming kicks in as the last ever Frost Fair is held on the frozen Thames. 1829: The Metropolitan Police Force start to fight their losing battle. 1863: The world's first underground railway is built, with much of the signalling still in use today. 1907: The last public flogging of a Londoner convicted for failing to wear a hat in a built-up area. 1940: During the Blitz the Queen Mother single-handedly protects the East End from destruction by batting bombs away using her handbag. 1952: Lethal smog descends on the capital, leading to the discovery of asthma. 1986: The completion of the M25 - merely the latest city wall to protect the capital from invaders. 2053: Rising sea levels cause the permanent innundation of the capital, which reopens shortly afterwards as a watersports centre and underwater theme park.
