And while we're at it, let's talk manbags. You know, the strappy bags that more and more men seem to have slung over their shoulder these days. Might be canvas, might be plastic, might be leather, but usually ever-so rectangular and laptop-sized. You must have seen them, usually around the neck of some nerd in oblong specs, or a dapper youth with gelled spiky highlights, or even several quite ordinary looking blokes. They're most definitely not handbags, oh no, because that would be girly. These are big, swarthy and masculine, honest, and in no way wimpy or effeminate. Men do bags these days, because manbags are cool.
It wasn't always like this. Men never used to do bags because they had pockets, and pockets were big enough for most of what a man carried. Wallet, keys, handkerchief, lighter, Swiss Army knife. Quite enough to get by on, in the old days at least. If you had a newspaper or umbrella you carried it under your arm. If you had a packed lunch you dropped it into a cheap plastic carrier bag. If you had nappies you gave them to your beloved to carry around in her handbag instead. For work there was the briefcase, probably leather, probably stuffed with papers and definitely more functional than attractive. For play there was the rucksack, perfect for fermenting a nylon t-shirt, shorts and towel into some sweaty gym-ripe cocktail. And that was it. None of this namby-pamby low-slung neckwear we see swarming the streets today.
I blame 12 inch vinyl. 90s DJ-types couldn't carry their rave remixes around in a rucksack or holdall, so the record bag became their satchel of choice. And that looked cool, even to blokes who had no decks, nor even any vinyl to play. Years later the music's in our ears, and the bags are less square, but the basic design is the same. And I blame 70s PE lessons. We carried our sports kit to school in cheap plastic shoulderbags with scuffed corners, decorated with Adidas stripes and Gola piping. And now they're back again too - pseudo-retro sports bags carried by geeks who probably never scored a goal in their lives. Shoulders are hip.
So what is it that new age men are suddenly feeling compelled to carry around inside their manbag? Their laptop perhaps, for those who can't bear to leave their work in the office. Could be that bottle of natural spring water the lifestyle gurus advise us never to be without. Might be a Sudoku quizbook wrapped carefully inside a copy of Mac User magazine in an attempt to appear geeky but cool. Perhaps a selection of natural skin lotions and grooming products to keep their masculine skin all pampered and fresh. More likely it's their mobile, their mobile charger, their iPod, their iPod adapter, their digital camera, their spare digital camera and several other gleaming gadgets they can't go anywhere without. Or, as I have recently started to wonder, maybe all these droopy manbags are empty. Maybe it's more important to be seen with a faddish trendy bag than it is for that bag to have a purpose. I don't know, I don't have one.
I don't carry a manbag because I don't see the need for one. I don't wear rectangular glasses because I prefer function to style. I don't have an all-brown wardrobe, I don't sculpt my hair into gelly spikes and I don't wear square-toed shoes. Maybe there's no hope for me any more, fashion-wise. Maybe I've crashed headlong into a style-free brick wall called middle age. Or maybe it's just that the rest of you are delusional sheep - it's hard to be certain.
