Her Majesty the Queen invites you, her royal subjects, to join together to celebrate 25 years of wedded bliss between her eldest son and her most favourite daughter-in-law. A right royal hurrah is planned.
This is a most auspicious occasion worthy of widespread commemoration. Throughout the week souvenir portraits, mugs and teatowels have been on sale at royal palaces across the nation. Street parties have been held in almost six villages, and Commonwealth leaders have posted messages of congratulation on their MySpace profiles.
Today, as a fitting climax to the festivities, two non-overlapping ceremonial parades will pass through the streets of London. The Prince of Wales will depart from St James's Palace at 10am in the State Coach, proceeding with due care and reverence towards St Paul's Cathedral. The People's Princess will depart from Kensington Palace at 10.30am in a red Alfa Romeo Spider, speeding recklessly (but not calamitously) towards Westminster Abbey.
At 11am two services of national commemoration will be held. In St Paul's Cathedral the Prince of Wales will give thanks for a quarter of a century of marriage in a service led by the Archisbishop of Canterbury. In attendance will be the Queen, Prince Philip and all of Charles's polo-playing mates, huzzah. Proceedings will be screened live on BBC4, and a two-page photographic spread will appear in next week's Horse and Hound. At Westminster Abbey the Princess of Wales will give thanks for a quarter of a century of media attention in a chatshow hosted by Ant and Dec. In attendance will be Peace Ambassador William, Playboy Harry and the lovely Princess Kayleigh. Video footage will be downloaded direct to all Vodafone mobile subscribers, and an exclusive 36-page photo essay will appear in next week's Heat magazine.
Charles will then return to Buckingham Palace for a royal banquet featuring organic food sourced from his Highgrove estate. During the meal he will sneak out for a quick snog with the horse-faced woman nobody realises he's having an affair with. He will then return in time to deliver a speech on the importance of the Prince's Trust and architecture, just to prove he's still relevant in the 21st century. Meanwhile Diana will head to a club in Mayfair for a reception featuring organic powder sourced from a Venezuelan plantation. Once the paparazzi have been satisfied she will sneak out to throw up into a convenient sink. She will then return in time to attend a Botox booster session with a Harley Street consultant, just to prove she still looks ten years younger than 45.
The day ends with a firework display above the Serpentine which both parties will watch from opposite sides of Hyde Park. Charles and Diana will then depart and retire to bed (exact location to be confirmed). Long live their Royal Highnesses, and here's to another 25 years of happy marriage.