I'm off by train to Norfolk this morning. It's a very straight-forward journey - a short bus ride up to Stratford station, buy a ticket, pass through the barriers and hop aboard a fast train out east. But I wonder how different things might now be, were I to try to make the same trip in two years' time...
Monday, August 11, 2008
07:00 Exit house 07:01 Walk to Stratford rather than waste time trying to board the Armoured Bendy Bus 07:25 Arrive at Stratford Domestic Fortress - join long queue to enter station 07:40 Preliminary security check - sneered at by police dog 07:48 Undergo compulsory fingerprinting and electronic ID check 07:49 Accidentally mistaken for terrorist suspect with similar name to myself 07:50 Wait in quarantine zone while policewoman confirms I'm not a 67 year-old Nigerian female 08:41 Allowed to return to queue as fellow passengers give me suspicious looks 08:54 Exchange pre-booked ticket for biometric boarding pass 08:55 Place boarding pass inside clear plastic bag 08:56 Surrender newspaper, apple, biro, bottle of water and other dangerous hand luggage and place in incinerator provided 08:58 Suitcase taken away for detailed forensic examination 09:03 Remove shoes and other superfluous items of clothing which might be harbouring explosive padding 09:05 Walk through electronic security scanner, which then beeps for no reason because they always bloody do 09:06 Patted down by scary bearded security guard using her large rubber wand 09:11 Replace trousers and continue into station 09:16 All documentation triple-checked before being allowed to enter the platform 09:19 Genitals sniffed by fierce-looking police hound 09:20 Train is not due for well over an hour, but I was expecting those security checks to take longer 10:25 Starting to lose the will to live 10:38 Announcement that train will arrive 45 minutes late due to "additional security protocols at Liverpool Street" 11:53 Train actually arrives 75 minutes late due to "decamping suspicious looking passengers at Bethnal Green" 11:54 Take pre-assigned seat in extra-secure carriage and fasten safety belt 11:59 In-train attendants begin 5 minute safety demonstration "for the benefit of passengers joining the train at Stratford" 12:04 Train departs 12:33 Still nothing to do but re-read the safety instructions or stare at the blacked-out windows 12:47 Bloke comes round pushing trolley selling security-cleared beverages 12:55 & 14:32 & 15:25 Similarly long and tedious waits at Colchester, Ipswich and Stowmarket 16:06 This journey may be damned slow and bloody boring but hey, at least it's safe 16:42 Finally arrive at rural Norfolk station in one piece 16:43 Terrorist group explode bomb in Yorkshire shopping centre instead
07:25 Arrive at Stratford Domestic Fortress - join long queue to enter station
07:25 Arrive at Stratford Domestic Fortress - join long queue to enter station