Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Why the NHS is truly buggered
<arrive home to find automated message on answerphone, as follows>
Automated female voice 1: <official name of hospital>
Automated female voice 2: Patients at this hospital now have access to a personal telephone at their bedside. You can call this patient directly without going through the hospital switchboard or disturbing the nurses. Calls are charged at 39 pence per minute off peak and 49 pence per minute at all other times. The telephone number you need to dial is...
Automated female voice 3: <0><7><0><4><6> <3><8> <x><x><x><x>
Automated female voice 2: Let me repeat those details again for you. You can contact...
Automated female voice 4: <Ms> <horribly mispronounced name of patient>
Automated female voice 2: ...in...
Automated female voice 1: <official name of hospital>
Automated female voice 2: ...and their personal telephone number is...
Automated female voice 3: <0><7><0><4><6> <3><8> <x><x><x><x>
Automated female voice 2: Friends and family often choose to make a gift purchase of TV and telephone time using their credit card. If you would like to arrange this, please call 0800 959 3100. Any unused credit can be fully refunded on request.
<deep sigh, and ring extortionately-priced telephone number>
Coming soon (no doubt):
• dial-a-ride ambulances (please swipe your Oyster card on entrance and exit)
• McDonalds franchises for in-hospital catering
• £5 surcharge on flowers not purchased from the stall in the foyer
• hourly admission charges for visitors (blood relatives half price)
• pedalo hospital trolleys
• coin-in-the-slot anaesthetic in the operating theatre
• your choice of 'Economy', 'Standard' or 'Deluxe' nursing
• free upgrades to private healthcare with new NHS Reward Points
...or read more in my monthly archives
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