Monday, September 04, 2006
A look ahead to September's news
1st: Records show that this is the wettest September day since 2005.
2nd: The Anti-Christ is born to an unemployed couple in Wolverhampton. Apart from a mild power surge at the time, nobody notices.
3rd: The Anti-Christ nearly dies in a freak choking accident, but is resuscitated thanks to the quick action of a midwife. Hurrah for the NHS!
4th: British Gas raise their prices, first at 9am, then at noon, and then third time lucky at 4pm.
5th: The new school year begins. All children are weighed, and the most obese are shipped off to Jamie Oliver's boot camp in Essex.
6th: The Daily Express reveals that Princess Diana is alive and well and running a garden centre in Woking.
7th: John Reid announces that police have thwarted a new (horrendous) terrorist plot involving people speaking in Arabic.
8th: Speaking in Arabic is banned on all flights leaving the UK.
9th: The Anti-Christ survives an assassination attempt when seven hooded monks accidentally go to the wrong Wolverhampton address and are savaged by an alsatian.
10th: Due to a combination of freak circumstances, nothing much happens and there is no news today.
11th: George Bush says he refuses to believe in global warming until God sends him a sign.
12th: Hurricane Helene heads inland to George Bush's Texan ranch, where it stalls overhead and rips the place to shreds.
13th: There are no winners in the midweek lottery, setting up a record-breaking quadruple rollover.
14th: John Reid announces that police have thwarted a new (outrageous) terrorist plot involving pasta mixed with nitroglycerine.
15th: Airline meals are banned on all flights leaving the UK.
16th: Members of a syndicate from the Plaistow Women's Institute become the National Lottery's biggest ever jackpot winners, collecting £37 million.
17th: West Ham United are bought out by the Plaistow Women's Institute, who immediately close down the club because "it's a bit noisy".
18th: The Anti-Christ visits the Bullring in Birmingham for the first time and decides that Armageddon will one day have its epicentre in Mothercare.
19th: McDonalds are awarded the new NHS catering contract. Meanwhile (for proper balance) Burger King get schools and KFC get prisons.
20th: David Cameron proposes the privatisation of the ambulance service, with shareholders given access to a preferential 998 number.
21st: John Reid announces that police have thwarted a (monstrous) terrorist plot involving shirt buttons packed with explosives.
22nd: Clothing is banned on all flights leaving the UK.
23rd: The Anti-Christ is christened "Kyle Finlay Jayden", because "Damien" would be too obvious.
24th: The government announces that ID cards are not flawed, just "unexpectedly complicated", and will cost every UK citizen £666.
25th: At the Labour Party Conference, Tony Blair finally announces the date on which he intends to stand down as party leader. "It'll be a Thursday," he says.
26th: Leak from Social Services computer accidentally reveals the home address of 398 of the country's convicted paedophiles.
27th: 398 confirmed dead following a night of nationwide tabloid-fuelled mass rioting and arson.
28th: John Reid announces that police have discovered the one element common to all recent (diabolical) terrorist plots - passengers.
29th: Passengers are banned from all flights leaving the UK.
30th: The Anti-Christ smiles, gurgles, and rolls over for another nap. Everything's going perfectly.
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