8am: Greet the security guard with a cry of "Hello old mate". Stop! Describing a work colleague as "old" is now illegal. Instead, greet the guard with a cry of "Hail fellow colleague of indeterminate longevity".
9am: Greet the post boy with a cry of "Oi soft lad". Stop! Describing a work colleague as a "lad" is now illegal. Certain vocabulary is implicitly engendered with negative age-related subtext and must never be used on company premises.
10am: Stick a photo of your daughter on the pinboard beside your desk. Stop! Exhibiting documentary evidence that you are of sufficient age to have sired offspring is now illegal. Bring in a photo of your kitten instead.
11am: Gather by the water cooler and discuss childrens TV favourites. Stop! Discussing old TV programmes is now illegal. Some of your workmates may feel alienated because they weren't born when Camberwick Green was last shown. Ensure that you discuss only up-to-date programmes such as Songs of Praise and the Antiques Roadshow.
12noon: Refuse to attend a training course because you're retiring next month. Stop! Turning down a personal development opportunity is now illegal. If the rest of us have to go on bloody tedious training courses then you're jolly well coming along too, even if you don't have time to put any of it into practice.
1pm: Walk upstairs to the canteen for lunch. Stop! Showing off one's physical prowess in the workplace is now illegal. Some of your workmates may no longer be fit enough to climb stairs and are likely to feel snubbed. Take the lift instead.
2pm: Tell your workmates about the world cruise you're planning next summer. Stop! Flaunting your age-related wealth is now illegal. Show some respect for your younger colleagues weighed down by student debt whose best hope next summer is an Easyjet flight to Düsseldorf.
3pm: Shred the interview applications of anybody over the age of 30. Stop! Refusing to shortlist job applicants just because they'll be ugly and boring is now illegal. You're going to have to start working with tedious middle-aged dullards who talk about mortgages all the time and aren't worth flirting with.
4pm: Ask your line manager for tomorrow off work. Stop! Taking too many days off work is now illegal. If freshly graduated apprentices are only permitted a fortnight's leave a year, then your over-generous allowance needs to be cut back to match.
5pm: Stick talcum powder in your hair, grab a white stick and go hobbling across the office shouting "you'll have to speak up dear, I'm a bit deaf". Go ahead, that's hilarious. Old wrinklies can always take a good joke, and if they can't then sack the bastards.
