diamond geezer

 Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Tubewatch (17) Where not to stand
a) Outside the station entrance fiddling with your umbrella.
b) In front of the ticket barrier trying to find your Oyster card at the bottom of your handbag.
c) Stuck in the ticket barrier with your rucksack trapped in the gates.
d) On the far side of the ticket barrier putting your Oyster card back in your handbag.
e) To the left of the escalator.
f) To the right of the escalator with a huge suitcase.
g) Anywhere on the escalator with a pushchair.
h) Dithering at the bottom of the escalator trying to work out whether to turn left or right.
i) Halfway down the stairs to the platform with three screaming toddlers in tow.
j) Right in front of the entrance to the platform because you can't be bothered to move along.
k) One metre along the platform because you can't be bothered to move any further.
l) In front of the yellow line (stand behind the yellow line).
m) In the gap (mind the gap).
n) Directly in front of the opening doors of a just-arrived train (stand back).
o) Inbetween the doors of a just-about-to leave train (ouch!).
p) Not quite far enough inside the train so that nobody else can get on board.
q) On top of somebody else's foot with your elbow in their ribs.
r) Pressed up against somebody else's armpit.
s) Breathing last night's curry into somebody else's face.
t) Immediately in front of the doors so that nobody else can get off.
u) On the platform immediately in front of the "way out" passageway.
v) To the right of the staircase (keep left, keep left!).
w) At the ticket gate, trying in vain (several times) to get your Oyster card to work.
x) Immediately behind someone at the ticket gate hoping to run through after them without paying.
y) In the station doorway checking your mobile phone for new messages.
z) Just outside the station trying to hand out leaflets and free newspapers.

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