diamond geezer

Friday, October 20, 2006

Definition: The number of days you can comfortably live without hoovering your house.

Example: If you hoover your house today and then, next Friday, you want to hoover it again, your Hoover Number is 7.
Notation: HN=7
Hoover Number personality types:
HN<1: Cleaning obsessed, you just can't rest unless your carpets are spotless. Should anyone ever drop even a breadcrumb on your floor, you'll have the hoover plugged in before it hits the ground.
HN=1: Every day? Do you have a life?
1<HN<=2: Even that groove along the edge of your skirting board is immaculate. Round of applause.
2<HN<7: You like a clean carpet and unblemished surfaces. You probably wash up your dirty dishes (or fill the dishwasher) immediately after eating, and stick bleach down the toilet with every tenth flush. Aren't you good?
HN=7: You've got a regular cleaning routine, you have. Or a lady who comes in and does.
7<HN<=14: How clean is your house? Clean enough - those nice ladies from Channel 4 won't be coming round to yours.
14<HN<=28: Don't tell your mum. But you might just get away with it.
28<HN<=50: Hope you've got a dark-ish carpet.
50<HN<=100: Have you tried looking under your furniture to see what colour your carpet used to be?
100<HN<=365: Really? Even that mucky patch just inside the front door, the bit by the sofa where you spill your TV dinners and the shag pile along the side of the bed? Ugh.
HN>365: It's not just your carpet that's dirty is it? There's thick dust on every surface, your kitchen's caked in layers of fat, and the bathroom just doesn't bear thinking about.
HN=infinity: I have at least one regular reader whose HN is infinity. Hello. That's why, the first (and last) time I came round to your place, I sat very gingerly on the emptyish part of the sofa, I accepted only a canned drink and, when I went to use the toilet, I decided to wait and go later when I got home. Must be an awful lot worse there by now too.

Hoover Number relationship compatibility test:
My HN is a lot higher than my partner: They're obsessed, aren't they? I mean, the floor really doesn't need cleaning that often!
My HN is a bit higher than my partner: They've probably done all the hoovering before you get round to wanting to do it yourself. Hurrah.
My HN is very similar to that of my partner: Perfect harmony. You two probably share the chores without any fuss.
My HN is a bit lower than my partner: They never pull their weight, do they? Can't they see those surfaces need cleaning, now?
My HN is a lot lower than my partner: Useless bloody layabout. We'd be living in a tip if they had their way. I have to do everything!
Both of our HNs are infinite: Ever wondered why you two never have any visitors?

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