diamond geezer

 Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Do you smell?

I just wondered, because some people do, and some people don't. I don't mean whiffy body odour smells like that unwashed bloke with stinky armpits who insists on standing next to you on the train in the summer. I mean perfume and and cologne and aftershave and stuff. Some people sprinkle themselves with it, and some don't. So, which are you?

Yes, I smell:
No, I don't smell:

Some people smell. They have bottles of aromatic stuff littering their bathrooms, and they splash it on all over every morning. It might be some subtle fragrance, or it might be a volatile chemical which reeks from a distance of fifty yards. It might smell of lemon, it might smell of rose petals or it might smell of some other exotic bouquet, but the whole point is that it smells of something because there's no point in wearing it otherwise. Some people smell a little, but some people smell a lot. It's as if they somehow need to be noticed, striding through their everyday lives in clouds of wafting whiff. Still, at least it's easy to buy these people a Christmas present. One well-wrapped bottle of their favourite scent and they're happy. Be it something expensive from the grinning girls at the front of Debenhams or just the latest from the Avon catalogue, you can't go wrong with a smelly bottle. Even if it is tiny, and holds only a few thimblefuls, and costs a fortune, its contents will still be appreciated. By smelly people.

I’ve never been a smelly person. I never quite saw the advantage of dousing my body in musk or citrus or whatever. But there was a time back in my teens when I dabbled. I won a squeezy green tube of Brut 33 talcum powder in a local town hall raffle, and brought it home excitedly to experiment with. A few squirts and I smelt like the proverbial tart's boudoir, all stinky and sickly sweet. So the Brut sat unused on my shelf, where it was eventually joined by some Old Spice, Hai Karate and Drakkar Noir which well-meaning relatives had bought as unwanted gifts. And now I'm more than happy to drift through life untainted. Sure I mask my natural odour with a lightly-perfumed anti-perspirant, but nothing you'd notice from more than three inches away. I don't want you to smell me before you see me. I have no need to reek of ambergris, ylang-ylang and sandalwood. I'm not a smelly person.

So I just wondered, which are you?

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