0 seconds: "It's perfect, but you bought me exactly the same thing last year" 1 second: "Oh. Where's my next present?" 5 seconds: "Thank you Auntie Joan, I shall play with it later." 7 seconds: "It's a novelty golfball holder. In the shape of a fish. I suppose that's mildly amusing." 10 seconds: "Why didn't you just give me money instead?" 15 seconds: "Hey everyone, look what's fallen out of this cracker! It's a plastic moustache. Haha, don't I look funny wearing it? Who got the red roll-up fortune-telling fish?" 25 seconds: "This aftershave smells like rotting fish on a compost heap. Surely nobody expects me to wear this cheap rubbish?" 46 seconds: "Oh wow oh wow oh wow, you bought me a parachute jump! I can't believe it! How bloody exciting is that?" 2 minutes: "This book looks like it might be quite interesting. Let me just flick through the pages briefly. Yeah, sort of interesting, ish. I'll read it properly some other time." 5 minutes: "Fantastic! I've got an iPod! Oh damn, it appears to have broken." 1 hour: "Look, it's the Noel Edmonds Deal or no Deal interactive DVD game. Shall we all play it this afternoon? We needn't play it again if you don't enjoy it." 73 minutes: "I really wanted this CD, thanks! But, having listened to it, the album's nowhere near as good as the single is it?" 1½ hours: "Chocolate body paint? Are you trying to tell me something?" 3 hours: "I'm just going to go and read this book in the conservatory while the rest of you play Monopoly again." 7 hours: "Does anybody want to help me assemble this Lego space station?" 17 hours: "Ooh, it's the complete Desperate Housewives series 2 DVD box set. That'll keep me busy." 24 hours: "Novelty Christmas socks? Why thanks. I shall wear them throughout the rest of Christmas." 3 days: "Unwanted gift. This eBay auction ends in 2 days 23 hours 55 minutes" 2 months: "Mmm, a giant bar of chocolate. I'm sure it won't take long to exercise away all these extra calories in the New Year." 3 months: "Brown scarves are so fashionable, thanks." 365 days: "Aww, the Cliff Richard 2007 calendar. He still looks so young, doesn't he?" 7 years: "I knew some eco-fanatic would buy me an Oxfam goat for Christmas. What the hell do I want with a goat?" 15 years: "A bottle opener? Why on earth did you buy me a bottle opener? Still, I guess it might be useful." 50 years: "It's perfect. It's just so absolutely what I wanted." 1000 years: "Have you seen this useless plastic gift that Uncle Nigel bought me? Why would anyone want that? Throw it out in the rubbish and let the dustman take it to landfill." 10000 years: "Excellent, yet another electronic gizmo to plug into the overflowing extension lead. Global warming be damned."