diamond geezer

 Saturday, December 23, 2006

Select-a-Christmas

Location
At home, with all the family descending (so much to do, so much to buy!)
At someone else's home, as part of the descending family (so little to do, so far to travel!)
On the beach, somewhere in the tropics (so far away from it all, so stuff Christmas!)
Travel woe
Stuck on the M1 (unable to see out of the back window through a pile of wrapped gifts)
Stuck on the West Coast mainline (stood for 8 hours outside a malfunctioning toilet cubicle)
Stuck at Heathrow (with your entire Christmas packed in a checked-in wheelie suitcase)
Christmas morning
Woken at 5am by excited squeals ("You'll never guess who's been!! And he ate the mince pie!")
Woken at 6am to put the turkey in the oven ("Bugger, it's too big, it won't fit! Maybe if I peel the bacon off...")
Woken at 11am with a pounding hangover ("And about time too! Come on, there are sprouts to peel!")
Christmas lunch
Full roast turkey dinner, with all the trimmings (it'll take a whole week of January to exercise away all those carbs)
Full vegetarian equivalent, with organic trimmings (expect elevated methane emissions later in the day)
Whatever's in the fridge, because all the shops are shut (damn, Pot Noodle it is then)
Christmas afternoon
Watching the Queen's speech over a large brandy (you'll be asleep as soon as she mentions "My Commonwealth")
Playing with everybody else's presents (because they're much better than the rubbish you got)
Listening to the new Westlife CD for the 4th time (which fool bought that for Auntie Joan?)
Christmas evening
Watching the Vicar of Dibley whilst devouring a box of Meltis Berry Fruits (sheer festive perfection)
Playing Monopoly with the TV off ("Does nobody want to watch Doctor Who? No? Damn. That'll be £16 rent please")
Hiding away in the conservatory checking your emails (thank heavens for the neighbours' leaky wifi)


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