January on diamond geezer is sponsored by UltraGym Detox
...because you're fat and inadequate
It's been a great big Christmas. Big food, big meals, big snacks and big chocolatey treats. But now there's a big price to be paid.
Oh my god aren't you fat? Have you seen yourself in a mirror recently? You weren't that lardy before Christmas, were you? Those clothes used to fit you in December. Not any more. You've had to loosen your belt a notch, haven't you? Look at that protruding belly! It's obscene! It's time for action!!
What you need, fatboy, is a year-long subscription to Ultragym Detox. That's because Ultragym Detox is the one-stop solution to a new healthier you. We feel your shame, and we feed your guilt. Get the body you've always dreamed of, and all at very reasonable prices.
» For just £69 a month we'll provide you with access to top quality gym facilities. We've got some big weights exactly the same as you can buy at Argos. We've got one of those treadmill machines which is just like running in your local park, only less muddy. And we've got changing rooms that smell of sweat and damp towels. What's not to love?
» For just £39 a month we'll provide your own personal trainer to whip you back into shape*. When you're feeling low, he can shout at you to make you exercise harder. When you're feeling tired, he can push you further through the pain barrier. And when you're feeling good about yourself, he can remind you that you're still flabby and inadequate in comparison to his rippling torso. * use of whip optional
» For just £19 we'll sign you up for extra classes in healthy living. There's Pilates, which is just a lot of waving your arms around in leotards. There's Yoga, which is like Pilates but sitting down. And there's Step Aerobics, which is something you could do on the stairs at home except we can turn our music up louder.
» For just 75p (plus your usual service fee) we'll send health and fitness tips by text message to your mobile phone every morning. Sample messages: "Run faster." "Alcohol tastes nice but is bad for you." "Come on lardarse, get your miserable body down to the gym now."
» For just £9.99 we'll sell you our unique Vitamin Replacement Nutrition Supplements. Based on genuine Oriental recipes, and made from real plants, these powders mix up to form a foul-tasting energy drink. Feel the toxins slip from your system as the herbal diuretic properties take control.
Come on, sign up now for Ultragym Detox! Visit the gym this January and piss off our regulars who use the gym all year round. Queue for the treadmills so that the people who normally use them can't get on. Mill around in the weights room getting in everybody else's way. Sigh loudly as you discover that it's all a lot of effort really, and the pounds don't all drop off in one session. Yes, it is much easier to be fat and happy instead of thin and poor. But we don't care if you only visit a couple of times, because we've got your £500 and we're going to spend it on more advertising.
Locate your nearest Ultragym Detox Health Club facility:
I'm still looking for sponsors for future months. February's theme is "sad and single", while March will be "old and ugly". Any takers?
