I've had my mobile phone for too long. I know this because people now laugh at it. They didn't laugh back in 2004. They thought my Sony Ericsson's new colour screen and WAP connection were cutting edge. But not in 2007. Friends with 3G-enabled interfaces smirk knowingly when they see my prehistoric remnant. Assistants in the Orange shop sneer openly and ask me when, rather than if, I plan to upgrade. Even my mum has a more up-to-date mobile than I do.
So this morning I've been out to acquire a mobile device worthy of the next generation. I found a shop in the City that was actually open on a Saturday morning, and earned the undivided attention of the bored assistants. They jockeyed to show me all the latest models with all the latest features - multi-megapixels, Walkman-enabled, quad-band and WiFi. "But can they still make phone calls," I asked, "or do they only screen multimedia video content? And do any of them have a normal ringtone that sounds like a telephone?" They were very patient with me.
After about half of hour of them being over-enthusiatic and me being unimpressed, they wheeled out one last model. It was a Z470xi, or some other brand nickname, which they said they only had in on special trial. It's slightly larger than your average phone, but that's because it's got a proper keyboard hidden beneath a slidy screen. It's geo-aware (so it knows where I am) and it works on emergency band frequencies (so it ought to function in places where most mobiles fade away). Best of all it's got a ringtone that sounds like a telephone, which I think is why they let me have it for a ridiculously reasonable price. I signed up and scarpered swiftly. I could tell they were glad to get rid of me.
So now I'm the proud owner of what I've nicknamed the "Gizmobile". It's sleek, it's silver and, best of all, you haven't got one. I am again technologically superior to the rest of you, and aren't I pleased? Of course by this time next year you'll all have something similar, if not even better, and by 2010 you'll all be staring at my ancient model with blatant disapproval once again. In the meantime, please let me enjoy my brief moment of technological superiority. Just as soon as it's fully charged and I've worked out how to turn it on...