You're receiving this email because you've signed up to MI5's new email alert service. Whenever the national threat level changes, you'll be the first to know. We can now target major developments in national security affairs direct to your inbox. Imagine the convenience.
What if evil terrorists should plan some heinous airline heist involving squeezy bottles and sticky back plastic? We'll tell you first. What if a veiled woman in Bradford should book a one-way train ticket to London? Our electronic update will be with you in seconds. What if pub gossip in Slough suggests that two men might be considering doing something a bit naughty to a national landmark. Expect our email announcement immediately.
There are lots of nasty threats out there, you know. We can't tell you what they are, obviously, but if carried out they could endanger the very fabric of British society. There's one terror plot involving airline meals which we're particularly concerned by, and another involving brainwashed terrorist recruits dressed as nuns. The Home Office's increasing curtailment of your basic human rights is for your own good, really it is. We just can't tell you why.
But please don't sit there at your computer worrying unnecessarily. The next time a new email arrives with a ping, it probably won't be us announcing the end of the world. If you're lucky it'll just be some more casino-related spam, or an advert for erectile-enhancement tablets. You can always hope.
And please do leave the house occasionally. We know that you could be halfway to the shops when we ratchet up the threat level in advance of Armageddon, and never actually receive our warning email. But it'll probably never happen, honest. And if it does, just stick a paper bag over your head because that'll make clearing up your body afterwards a lot easier.
Oh, and thank you for providing MI5 with your email address. It's OK, we had it already, but it was nice of you to send it.
Love and kisses,
Eliza Manningham-Buller (Director General, MI5)
P.S. The national threat level runs on a five point scale.
• The highest level of threat is Imminent death. We've not been at this level since last summer when Al Qaida found a way to use ordinary household liquids to kill us all. Life doesn't get scarier than that.
• The second level of threat is Total paranoia. This is the current level of danger across the UK. If we keep this up for a few more months, you'll be begging us to introduce ID cards.
• The third level of threat is Brooding anxiety. See that foreign bloke across the street? He's looking at you in a funny way, he is. Don't worry, we're watching him too.
• The fourth level of threat is Slightly vexed. You know the sort of thing. What if ITV should ever choose to launch another series of Celebrity Love Island? Nightmare.
• The lowest level of threat is no longer relevant. Life's not been that risk-free since the Middle Ages. But John Reid wanted a five point scale because it makes the top levels look more frightening.
To unsubscribe from these emails, please leave your name on a rolled up scrap of paper inside an empty tobacco tin sellotaped to the underside of the third bench from the left behind the ice cream kiosk on the north bank of the Serpentine in Hyde Park. It's OK, we check there regularly.
Dear Citizen,
