diamond geezer

 Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Liveblogging the Brits

Hurrah! After nearly two decades of broadcasting the Brit Awards "tomorrow", the organisers have finally agreed to televise tonight's ceremony "tonight". Maybe they read my rant here last year and finally saw sense. At long last I can watch the event on the correct evening and hope that I see something great (rather than having to watch the next day and knowing that I won't). Will Russell Brand soar or flop? Will the producers manage to bleep out all the swear words in time. And will the list of winners end up looking identical to the Radio 2 playlist, again? Let's find out...

8:04 Late start. Hmm, maybe the programme's not live at all - maybe it's running with a 4 minute time delay.
8:06 The Scissor Sisters kick off the show with some cunningly-silhouetted creative choreography. Blimey that was clever.
8:10 Russell Brand looks slightly uncomfortable reading topical jokes off the autocue, but just about pulls it off.
British Live Act (voted for by Radio 2 listeners, most of whom probably haven't been to a gig this century): Muse (ho hum)
8:16 Snow Patrol perform Chasing Cars, and then Fearne Cotton enthuses slightly too enthusiastically.
8:21 What do you think they do in the hall during the adverts? Maybe that's when Russell tells all the filthy jokes.
British Breakthrough Act (voted for by Radio 1 listeners): The Fratellis (their acceptance speech includes tonight's first sound-dip)
International Breakthrough Act (voted for by MTV viewers): Orson (quick, time to make a cup of tea)
8:34 Amy Winehouse gives a soulful performance which could easily have graced the Brits 1967 (had there been one)
8:37 Russell deftly slips in a joke about photographs of the Queen's private parts well before the watershed.
British Male Solo Artist (in future to be renamed the 'James Blunt Memorial Award'): James Morrison
8:42 Fearne plugs the text vote for Best British Single. Eagle-eyed viewers may have spotted the on-screen smallprint which warns voters to end their text with "NO INFO" if they don't want to be sent marketing spam.
International Male Solo Artist: Justin Timberlake (who uses the excuse of 'being on tour' to not turn up)
8:50 The Killers perform the only song everyone will still remember them for in 20 years time.
British Female Solo Artist (from a super-abundant shortlist - no need for Bush or Lennox this year): Amy Winehouse
8:58 Just time for a quick "vagina" before nine o'clock - well done Russell.
International Female Solo Artist: Nelly Furtado (Amy's speech sounded so much more genuine, I thought)
9:02 Take That patiently conquer the assembled crowd (but they look like they're evolving into the BeeGees)
9:10 Russell hurls a diatribe of intelligent insults at Sun journalists. I'm liking him more and more.
British Band: Arctic Monkeys (who've dressed up as Wizard of Oz characters rather than turn up in person - it almost worked)
International Album: The Killers - Sam's Town (watch this rocket up from #30 in the album chart on Sunday)
9:11 The Red Hot Chili Peppers demonstrate convincingly that some tattoos look better clothed.
International Group: The Killers (as not voted for by the public, just faceless music business execs)
9:28 Russell introduces svelte singing starlet Corrinne bleep sound-dip Bailey rude-word censored Rae.
British Single (voted for by txting viewers): Take That - Patience (they also won in 1993, 1994 & 1996 - what a comeback!)
British Album: Arctic Monkeys - Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not (now dressed as the Village People - are they trying to tell us something?)
9:40 Backstage Fearne asks Take That stupid questions, then gets over-moist anticipating Oasis.
9:45 "What a bloody show it's been, bloody hell." I think that about sums it up, Mr Brand.
9:46 Russell introduces Oasis at some length, telling lots of anecdotes but failing to mention that they make great music.
Outstanding Contribution (ie a group who'll never win another award for their current stuff, but whose entire back catalogue is now available in all good record shops): Oasis
9:56 Oasis perform, and manage to make their three songs sound underwhelmingly similar. Probably because they are.
10:00 Sorry ITV, I'm not stayed tuned for your excessively-promoted lame new sitcom, I'm switching to BBC2 for Never Mind The Buzzcocks (the one where Preston strops off halfway through). Now that's music television.

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