URGENT EMAIL ALERT TO ALL LONDONERS: Final snowfall imminent
London 00:00: The Met Office has issued a warning that heavy snowfall is imminent across the Greater London area. Snow cover up to a depth of several inches is anticipated over the next few hours. This is expected to be the heaviest snowstorm seen in the capital for several years. And, thanks to global warming, it will also be the last.
That's right. Southeast England is getting warmer, thanks to the greenhouse effect. And this means no more snow, ever. Future London winters will be much too mild for the white stuff. We might get a bit of sleet maybe, but nothing more than that - nothing that'll ever settle. It's an absolute meteorological certainty, honest it is. No more snow.
It's your own fault, you know. You've been busy burning fuel and driving cars and heating offices and consuming goods and flying planes, and all of this extra carbon in the atmosphere adds up. Our climate is about to be altered permanently and irrevocably, and soon. Which means that today's snowfall will be London's last. You'd better use the day wisely.
We urge you to take the day off work. Come on. If today is London's last ever day of snow, you don't want to miss it. It'll all have melted by tonight, so this really is your last chance. You don't want to be stuck in the office when you could be outdoors enjoying the snow cover instead. Have one last snowball fight, perhaps, just like when you were a kid. Go stomp around on the pavement leaving deep crunchy footprints. Satisfy your creative urges by building a snowman on your front doorstep. Or knock together a makeshift sledge and go skidding headfirst down that treacherous slope in your local park. You know you want to. Take the day off and enjoy some 'proper' winter weather.
Come on, taking the day off will be easy. It only takes a single flake of snow for London's transport network to grind to a halt, and we're expecting several million flakes this morning. There's no point in going to the station or waiting at the bus stop because everything will be cancelled. And even if by some freak your service is running, just phone into the office and pretend that it isn't. They'll believe you, because it's snowing. And it's the last time you'll ever be able to use this excuse, so you'd better use it while you can.
Wrap up warm, grab your camera and go take some photographs of London in the snow. Drifts along the Embankment; Green Park beneath a carpet of white; swirling grey clouds viewed from Primrose Hill; Big Ben with frosty pinnacles; your house with flake-topped tiles; the lot. Take as many photographs as you possibly can. Take hundreds, thousands if necessary, because you'll never be able to take these photos again. Store them away to show your children, and grandchildren, because they'll never see London in white. And neither will you, after today.
Final snowfall is imminent. Make the most of it.
Disclaimer: It is just possible that estimates of today's snow depth may have been wildly over-exaggerated. Over-dramatic weather forecasts occur, all too frequently, for which we apologise. In which case you've already missed London's last proper snowy day, which was way back in December 2000. Sorry we forgot to warn you at the time.
We urge you to take the day off work. Come on. If today is London's last ever day of snow, you don't want to miss it. It'll all have melted by tonight, so this really is your last chance. You don't want to be stuck in the office when you could be outdoors enjoying the snow cover instead. Have one last snowball fight, perhaps, just like when you were a kid. Go stomp around on the pavement leaving deep crunchy footprints. Satisfy your creative urges by building a snowman on your front doorstep. Or knock together a makeshift sledge and go skidding headfirst down that treacherous slope in your local park. You know you want to. Take the day off and enjoy some 'proper' winter weather.
We urge you to take the day off work. Come on. If today is London's last ever day of snow, you don't want to miss it. It'll all have melted by tonight, so this really is your last chance. You don't want to be stuck in the office when you could be outdoors enjoying the snow cover instead. Have one last snowball fight, perhaps, just like when you were a kid. Go stomp around on the pavement leaving deep crunchy footprints. Satisfy your creative urges by building a snowman on your front doorstep. Or knock together a makeshift sledge and go skidding headfirst down that treacherous slope in your local park. You know you want to. Take the day off and enjoy some 'proper' winter weather.