diamond geezer

 Thursday, March 22, 2007

Welcome to National Utility Limited.

Please note that your call may be recorded and used later as evidence when we attempt to sack our call centre personnel for not flogging the company's services blatantly enough.

Please select from the following list of irrelevant options.


Please select from another submenu of irrelevant options.


Please enter your 20 digit customer account number.
No mistakes please, or we'll ask you to enter it again.


Thank you. We will now connect you to one of our customer account executives on another continent. Keep your fingers crossed that we've taught them to speak English convincingly.

<jangly Spanish guitar music>

Thank you for holding. Your patience is appreciated, especially at 15p a minute.

<soothing classical strings>

All of our customer service representatives are busy at the moment, because we've failed to invest sufficiently in providing enough staff to meet customer demand.

<bland 80s lift muzak>

Are you sure you want to talk to one of us? We have a website, you know, where you can carry out many of our more popular functions without bothering us. Why not piss off and spend ten minutes online doing all our work for us?

<tinkly Coldplay piano melody>

We're sorry for keeping you waiting. One of our call centre gnomes will be with you shortly, just as soon as they're back off their fag break.

<one of Vivaldi's out-of-copyright four seasons>

Thank you for holding. Your patience is appreci...Hello, my name is Maureen.
(I don't really sound much like a Maureen, do I?)

First could you just give me your full name?
And the first line of your address?
And the rest of your address?
And your postcode?
And the 20 digit number you typed in earlier?
And the password you chose five years ago and have since forgotten?

How may I help you? I'm not really interested you know, but my supervisor might be listening so I'm trying to sound polite.

Oh I'm sorry, but you've been put through to the wrong department. I've only been trained to understand three common service problems, and your query isn't on my list. Hang on and I'll try to put you through to someone with the authorisation to respond to your enquiry.

<jangly Spanish guitar music>

Thank you for holding. Your patience is appreciated.


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