diamond geezer

 Friday, April 27, 2007

Age-related advice regarding property ownership
(contains several broad sweeping inexcusable generalisations)

Under 10: "Ooh that's a lovely picture of a house, Kyle. I like the four square windows, and the big pointy roof with a chimney on top, and the front garden with the wiggly path up to the door. But it looks nothing like your mum and step-dad's 9th floor flat, does it?"

10-19: "For goodness sake Carly, you treat this place like a hotel. Tidy up your room, and turn that music down, and take the recycling out, and go feed the rabbit, and get your feet off the bloody sofa. And don't think we haven't realised you've been smoking in the bathroom with the window open."

20-29: "Sorry Mum, I'd really like to move out but I can't afford to yet. Let me give you twenty quid to cover this week's meals, because I'm saving up the rest for a deposit on a bedsit. Is it alright if Sharon stays for breakfast?"

30-39: "Oh god oh god, I know it's risky but if we don't get our foot on the housing ladder now we never will. Five times our joint salary is madness, especially if interest rates continue to rise, but we have GOT to have a place of our own. We'd be incompetent social misfits otherwise."

40-49: "We're off to IKEA and B&Q on Saturday morning. And then we're going spend the rest of the weekend painting and hammering and tiling and grouting in an attempt to make our little terraced house look more like the one we saw in that Channel 4 programme last night. And then we're going to sell it."

50-59: "We're having the builders round. The new house isn't quite what we wanted, so we thought we'd knock through the kitchen wall to make a larger multi-purpose living space. They're a bunch of cowboys, obviously, but we're past the stage of doing it ourselves these days."

60-69: "Do you like the garden? It's lovely isn't it? It's taken us years to get it the way we like it, and an awful lot of trips to the garden centre. Perfect for sitting in during the summer, and then there's our lovely conservatory for the winter. Pot of tea, anyone?"

70-79: "We thought this might be the right time to downsize to a bungalow. Somewhere with a ground floor bathroom now that the stairs are getting a bit more awkward. And we really don't need the two spare bedrooms any more either, because you lot don't come round to stay as often as you once did."

80-89: "Look Dad, it's for your own good. You know you can't get around like you used to, and the garden's getting a bit overgrown. How about we get an estate agent round? I mean, not to be harsh, but it would be a shame to waste the full value of this place on inheritance tax, wouldn't it?"

90 and over: "Hello Mum. Sorry it's been a while, but we've been busy spending all the money we got from selling your old place. Look, we've brought you some flowers. It's nice in here, isn't it? OK, it smells a bit, but at least they wheel everyone down to the TV room sometimes. See you next month."


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