1951: Born in Glasgow, the eldest son of Dr John and Bunty. 1954: Having experienced extreme poverty for three years, moves to Fife where life is slightly less dour. 1958: Spends every Sunday going to church, taxing his younger brothers and pulling the legs off spiders. 1961: Joins Kirkcaldy Academy where he specialises in hard sums, social justice and heavy frowning. 1965: Passes his O Levels two years early, like the big girly swot he is. 1967: Attempts to keep healthy by playing rugby, but carelessly dislodges his retina instead. 1972: Graduates from Edinburgh University, where he gains a taste for power by being elected Rector. 1976: Evolves into a long haired dope-smoking lecturer-type (but without the dope-smoking, honest). 1980: Sells his soul to the media by becoming a Scottish TV journalist, attracting several hundred viewers. 1983: Elected as the new MP for Dunfermline South. Dr John and Bunty are very proud. 1985: Starts crawling his way up the Labour Party by becoming Shadow Tradebloke and Shadow Economicman. 1994: Agrees power sharing deal at the Granita restaurant in Islington. Gordon gets 50%, and Tony gets 95%. 1997: Election win. Tony gives Gordon the economy to play with, and Gordon gives it away to some bankers. 1998: Starts fiddling with the tax system, and taxing with the fiddling system. 2000: Growls defensively at the Euro, which cowers in a corner and scuttles off. 2001: Election win. Takes from the rich (but not enough) and gives to the poor (but not enough). 2002: Gives Tony a hard stare for not quitting yet, and storms off to bash a pension fund in anger. 2003: Becomes a father, and suddenly transforms into a soft, caring family man (honest, it's not all spin). 2005: Election win. Stares even harder at Tony, who is now assuming God-like proportions on the world stage. 2006: Starts planning his first 100 days in power, and picking new curtains for number 10. 2007: Ruthlessly sweeps aside all competition for Labour leader and is crowned King of the Country in an unopposed bloodless coup. Spends his first 24 hours as PM announcing constitutional reform, affordable housing, retreat from Iraq, an end to world poverty, a new moral order and free lollipops for all. Dr John and Bunty would have been very proud. 2008: Alas the replacement Chancellor isn't terribly good, and blows Gordon's economic stability in an orgy of financial incompetence. 2009: Election loss. Oops, that was a bit careless. Gordon retires and becomes a monk. 2015: Refuses invite to appear on 'The Tony Blair Hour', now the highest rated chatshow on American television.
2007: Ruthlessly sweeps aside all competition for Labour leader and is crowned King of the Country in an unopposed bloodless coup. Spends his first 24 hours as PM announcing constitutional reform, affordable housing, retreat from Iraq, an end to world poverty, a new moral order and free lollipops for all. Dr John and Bunty would have been very proud.
