I'm not flying anywhere on holiday this year. I'm not killing the planet by jetting off around the world. I'm not watching in-flight movies whilst firing evil fumes into the atmosphere just so that I can get a suntan on some foreign beach. Oh no. I've been away but I've stayed local, and I've taken the train. I'm being really really green this year, and really really good.
I wasn't quite so well behaved last year. Last spring I flew long-haul across the Atlantic to the west coast of America, contributing 2.0 tonnes of CO2 to global meltdown in the process. And last summer I flew short-haul to the Outer Hebrides, expelling another 0.2 tonnes of evil greenhouse gas. That's 2.2 tonnes of carbon dioxide I've saved this year by not flying as far as I did last year. Aren't I an ecological angel?
So, I wondered if anybody wanted to buy my 2.2 tonnes of unused carbon footprint. If I don't need it this year, then maybe one of you does. I've calculated that my leftover aviation ration would counterbalance the CO2 output from a return flight from Heathrow to Hong Kong. Or it would allow a family of 4 to fly to the Greek islands and back. An absolute bargain for any holiday traveller with a guilty environmental conscience, I reckon. Anybody up for some carbon trading?
Or maybe you'd like to transfer my 2.2 tonnes of CO2 to a different means of transport. You could drive across America from coast to coast in a Ferrari. You could take a group of seven friends the full length of the Trans Siberian Railway. Or you could circumnavigate the Circle line 1000 times, just for fun. Whatever, I'm not fussy, I'll sell my carbon ration to anyone.
I reckon there's a lot of money to be made in this carbon offset business. An increasing number of consumers seem to think that they can use as much energy as they like so long as they swap their gassy output with someone else. They'll happily pay some upstart company to plant three trees in Norway to cancel out their wasteful lifestyle, just so long as they get sent a big green certificate saying it's all above board. Kill the planet now, and pay someone else to mop up the mess for you later. It's the future, you know?
While we're at it, I don't have a washer drier either. Or a big plasma telly. Or a mobile phone charger plugged into my wall on permanent standby. Maybe you'd be interested in sending me money to cancel out your own sloppy emission habits. I've got a Paypal account somewhere, and I'm more than willing to swap your cash for my pristine ecological behaviour.
Enter amount £ (and then carry on as normal...)
• If you want to take this seriously (and maybe make some money), how about carbon rationing?
