• Despair at the lack of summer.
• I mean, it's August, it's been raining for months and we haven't had any really decent summery weather since April (and that wasn't proper summery, just late-springy).
• Notice that the weather forecast is suddenly promising hot sunny cloudless weather for a 48 hour period, coinciding precisely with the weekend. Whoop.
• Search out summer wardrobe, visit supermarket to buy raw barbecuable meat, plan torrid two-day blowout.
• Squeeze into unflattering t-shirt (revealing pasty arms and ill-advised tattoo); squeeze into too-tight shorts (revealing flabby legs and paunch overspill); squeeze into £1.99 sandals (revealing imperfect toenails and lack of fashion sense).
• Pack picnic hamper with sausage rolls, scotch eggs, cheese sandwiches and lots of other food you won't feel like eating later.
• Notice that lawn needs watering, fairly desperately.
• Ignore lawn, pile into car and head to the nearest bit of seaside.
• Sit in queue on local motorway, sweating profusely and cursing the rest of the population for having the same idea.
• Eat contents of picnic hamper while sat in car waiting for space in cliff-top carpark.
• Find ten square feet of available space on beach, plonk down on pebbles, remove t-shirt, roll over and begin sunbathing.
• Wake up two hours later to discover that your skin is glowing red and that a seagull has left its mark on your towel.
• Go for walk along seafront. Buy drippy 99 cornet and tray of greasy undercooked chips. Feed ten quid into "grab machine" in amusement arcade on pier without ever picking up evil-looking cuddly toy.
• Return to car and join snail's pace exodus home.
• Fire up barbecue in back garden and invite neighbours over for evening of carnivorous activity and heavy drinking.
• Apologise three hours later that barbecue still isn't warm enough yet. Continue to drink copious amounts of vodka-infused Pimms-like punch.
• Risk nibbling on under-cooked chicken leg and lamb kebab. Error. Decide to abandon barbecue and send someone down to the Indian for a takeaway curry instead.
• Turn up volume on ghetto blaster in an attempt to blot out loud reggae coming from five gardens away.
• Admire unusually vibrant blue colour of sky just after sunset.
• Roll into bed, being very careful not to rest on the sore patch of charred skin round the nape of your neck.
• Repeat on Sunday.
The 48 hour heatwave
