In fact, thank you for your three remarkably similar emails sent during the course of the day. Rest assured that I had not forgotten this evening's "close of play" deadline. I shall of course be sending you the [petty bureaucratic document] that you require before I go home. Do be patient. Our team is quite conscientious actually, and not like the usual hopeless inadequates you must be used to ordering about.
However, I would like to point out that we believe your newly-imposed [petty bureaucratic document] to be wholly unnecessary. We've been running projects here since you were still at business college, and we know what we're doing. Our considerable talents don't require the introduction of a brand new planning system based on an enormous multi-coloured spreadsheet. You may enjoy spending your days endlessly updating cells from green to amber to red and back again, but we prefer to get on and do some real work.
We know that there's a key deadline in mid-November without having to label it "Milestone 6". We know precisely how to hit that deadline without compiling a detailed list of fully-costed sub-processes. We have vast experience of coping successfully with the unexpected without needing to think up 50 things that might go wrong and pre-planning contingencies for each. We can get perfect results without being manacled to your scaffolding. Please learn to treat us like capable human beings, even if you're not.
Thank you also for the endless stream of meeting requests that you've dropped into my inbox recently. I should point out that we generally try to avoid 5pm meetings at all costs, even if that's the only gap you thought you could find in our calendars. You bastard. I've "accidentally" deleted your regular fortnightly [Tedious Objective Review 1-1s], especially given that these recur (somewhat optimistically) into the 22nd century and beyond. And I've declined the meeting you scheduled for Boxing Day morning, because I have some understanding of the calendar and you're a temporal inadequate.
I'm afraid that we all think your weekly [Pointless Management Meetings] are a complete waste of time and effort. You may enjoy discussing updated risk and quality protocols on a regular basis, but some of us have a life. I know we look like we're awake and stimulated when we attend, but that's just our superior acting ability. We're actually bored out of our skulls and hoping desperately that, if we nod a lot, you might terminate the meeting a little earlier.
You're new here, aren't you? That would explain why you're blundering in making inappropriate requests and nannying us around like we're a bunch of six year-olds. We're not. We're a team of highly competent professionals, and we're used to being trusted. We don't want to be part of your process-based revolution. We do things a certain way round here. And we're not letting your MBA-inspired bureaucracy destroy everything we've built up. Now sod off.
