It's exactly ten years since I last embarked upon a relationship. I didn't quite realise what I was getting into at the time, neither did I have any inkling of how it would all end up. But I like to think I learned quite a lot as a result. To which end, the rest of today's post is copied from an email I sent to a friend last year when they were considering embarking on a relationship of their own.
Somebody new in your life, eh? Congratulations. But you're "worried that your other half may not be feeling the way you do".
I can relate to this one. And I have a theory, best illustrated in this diagram.
The diagram refers to the simple question "Are you worried that your partner will bugger off and leave you single again?"
The first column refers to you thinking "no, I don't care if they disappear". The second column refers to you thinking "yes, I really don't want to lose them".
And the two rows relate to them thinking the same things. Which gives 4 possibilities.
Green You don't care if you split, they don't care if you split. This is the box for one-night stands and shags of convenience. This is the box with no future either way. No commitment, no worries.
Yellow They'd really care if you split, but you wouldn't. You know that this isn't for life, and that one day you'll leave them. You're using them, but they don't yet know it. This is the box that hurts them, not you.
Red You'd really care if you split, but deep down they wouldn't. On some unspecified date in the future they may bugger off and leave you. Your heart will be broken, but their heart was never taken in the first place. This is the box you dread.
Blue You're worried they'll leave you, but they're equally worried you'll leave them. You're both worried, but only because you don't know your fears are unfounded. This is love (or at least it's getting that way). This is the perfect box.
The big problem with love and relationships is that you know which column you're in, but you never quite know which row you're in. As a relationship develops and you get to know the other person better, you become more certain about which row it is. But you can never be 100% sure.
At the moment, with the way you're feeling about your new object of desire, you know you're in the right-hand column. Either red or blue. The situation might be blue, but you're more worried it will be red.
Assuming, however, that blue is worth having (and oh boy, yes it is), then you should go for it. Assuming you can cope with the possibility of emotional heartbreak, take the risk.
Blue *only* appears in the second column, and you're not in the second column very often. You're in the second column at the moment. If they're in the top row, well, at least you had a go. But if they're in the bottom row, then congratulations, you won the jackpot.
[And thanks for getting that idea out of my head and into print. I've believed it for quite some time now. But I got red. Somebody must get blue sometimes]
I can relate to this one.
