News At Ten (ITV1, Monday 10pm)
10:00 Bong! Familiar theme music welcomes back News At Ten after a four year break. The ITV News graphic-copter swoops along the Thames from Canary Wharf to Westminster before narrowly missing the London Eye and braking sharply in front of Big Ben. Bong! Sir Trevor McDonald stares knowingly at his audience and imparts today's most important headlines. Bong! A contrasting blonde grins rigidly at his side. Bong! Welcome back. | | Ten O'Clock News (BBC1, Monday 10pm)
10:00 It's business as usual on the BBC's flagship news. Huw Edwards is pretending not to notice that ITV have sneaked back into the 10pm slot and are running head to head for the late night news audience. I don't know what's on Channel 4 at the moment, but it'll be cleaning up in the ratings. Huw rattles through tonight's rather serious headlines, topped off with a foreign news exclusive. Come on, try to look interested. |
| 10:01 It's a Diana Exclusive, with a few snippets of interview from the doctor in Pakistan whom she fancied enough to consider marriage. Apparently. The interview is staggeringly bland and non-revealing, and padded out with all the archive footage ITV can muster. Diana's "Mr Wonderful" says nothing of consequence. Instead the entire audience is going "My god, whatever did she see in him?". Butler Paul Burrell's inquiry evidence is slightly more revealing, but goes on rather too long. | | 10:01 Forget Diana. John Simpson has been risking his life filming for the BBC in Zimbabwe. See how brave he is. Here he is standing in a Harare street. Here's some more secret filming, here's a bloke giving what's described as a "courageous interview", and here's John standing in the dark in a secret anonymous field. It's fine upstanding reportage from inside a dictator's lunatic stronghold, but it's not quite headline-making stuff. |
| 10:08 News At Ten has learned about supposed tension behind the doors of Downing Street. News! At Ten! It's all regarding Northern Rock and its proposed nationalisation, or whatever might happen next. Is the PM dithering? Does he have too many ideas? Has anything actually happened? (The answer to the latter question is undoubtedly no) | | 10:08 The dead princess is up second, with all the latest thrilling inquiry evidence from 10 years ago. Nicholas Witchell is also standing in the dark, but rather more brazenly outside the High Court. He delights in using the word "whore", which ITV omitted. Dr Khan merits only a short sequence of library footage. |
| 10:11 Some quickies: A murder trial opens in Ipswich, Peter Hain walks through a shopping centre, and a murdering Herts policeman is found dead. The BBC doesn't do quickies. And that's probably why ITV will eventually end up covering more news items in fewer minutes. | | 10:11 Nick Robinson is up next to pontificate on Peter Hain's future. There are whispers from various top secret sources and there's even an inconclusive doorstepping interview, but it's nothing more than three minutes of pure speculation. |
| 10:12 An old lady who lived near a Hampshire prisoners' rehabilitation centre is found dead in her home. Penny Marshall leaves us in no doubt that residents would be safer if the bloody place was shut down. Obviously. | | 10:14 A convicted Hertfordshire policeman who went beserk with a gun really shouldn't have been let out of prison. The reporter leaves us in no doubt that it wouldn't have happened if he'd been denied bail. Obviously. |
10:14 Coming up next...
(what, no adverts?) | | 10:17 It might rain a lot tonight in Gloucestershire. But it hasn't yet. |
| 10:15 News At Ten has travelled to "the ends of the earth" (well, Antarctica) for a special assignment to meet icy climate change scientists. Look, there they are waving on a glacier. Hello, I'm from ITV News, I'm the story here. Oh, and the ice may be melting, even though it's freezing. Cue an impressive outside broadcast live from an icy crevasse. | | 10:17 The BBC are wheeling out all their special correspondents tonight. Next it's Evan Davies discussing the pound's weakness against the euro. He waves his hands around in front of a big "tobogganing" graph. And holidays may cost more. See, economics news is almost relevant. |
| 10:20 ITV's market report consists of three financial indices displayed as static graphics. There's no mention of the euro, and no attempt at explanation - ITV's target audience wouldn't be interested. | | 10:20 Is that missing Madeleine girl still news eight months on? A suspect's mum thinks he's innocent (obviously), and tells a reporter so in an exclusive interview. Call this news? I call it dangerously tabloid. |
| 10:21 The new England football boss speaks exclusively to ITV, except he speaks in Italian. He walks through an airport and he has a strong chin. This is perfect inconsequential Sports News Lite. But at least it's sport. | | 10:23 Just two more stories to go. Murder trial opens in Ipswich (the suspect spoke only his name), and Greenpeace chase whaling ships round the Southern Ocean (I'm on board now, except it's dark and I can only see lights). |
| 10:23 "And finally..." lucky sailors have escaped from a sinking ship off Devon. Hurrah for our brave lifeboatmen who could have died, but didn't. Wot, no kittens? | | 10:27 Over to your local BBC newsdesk, because we know you're hanging around for the weather forecast so you'll watch it anyway. |
| 10:25 And that's all from Julie and from me. And we'll be back at the same time tomorrow. (Well that makes a change) | | 10:34 Huw wraps it up, and directs serious news junkies towards Paxman on Newsnight. Tabloid news junkies would have switched off half an hour ago. |
| Monday was clearly a desperately news-light day. But that was OK because ITV weren't trying to follow the news agenda, they were trying to set it. An exclusive interview here, some political speculation there, and an Antarctic safari for good measure. News At Ten seems designed as a news event, rather than reflective reportage. And whatever they're paying those two to front a few minutes of to-camera autocue work, it's far too much. | | Monday was clearly a desperately news-light day. That's probably why the BBC and ITV bulletins only had four stories in common. At least much of the news covered by the BBC could be described as important, although it was still a bit inconsequential at times. And I can't say I was ever gripped. Why do we need two major news bulletins up against each other at 10pm? Give me staggered choice any night. |
