Do you fancy relocating to the UK? We thought so. I mean, who wouldn't? But Great Britain is a great country, and we want to keep it that way. So we at the Home Office have just invented lots of additional petty rules to try to keep you out of our country for as long as possible. We're calling it the Contract for Citizenship. We're going to compel you to learn our language and force you to follow our customs. We hope to fleece you with an admission fee and to exploit you as part of a nationwide scheme of community chaingangs. We might even ask you to dress up as a morris dancer and hit yourself with a pig's bladder, just for a laugh, if it makes you think twice about coming over here and filling our hospitals.
We've also come up with a compulsory entrance exam for would-be immigrants. You need to complete this online, and then click on the "submit" button at the bottom. Score enough points and you're in. And if not, well, sorry, but maybe some un-British country will have you instead.
1) Can you speak English? Yes No Sorry, I don't understand the question
2) Have you ever committed any of the following naughty crimes?
3) How intelligent are you (please tick all that apply)? I have a PhD (25 points) I have a degree (15 points) I can do plumbing (25 points) I'm a qualified dentist (75 points) I have a cub scout badge (2 points each)
4) Which British Values do you have?
5) Complete the following well known phrase or saying. Send her victorious, and glorious, Long to reign over us, God save the .
6) Would you like to trial our new ID card scheme? Yes Yes I don't really have a choice, do I?
7) How many dependent children do you have?
8a) How much extra tax are you willing to pay? £ 8b) How much of a backhander can you slip us? £
9) Do the nasty people back in your own country want to kill you? Yes, and I have scored 100 or more points (hurrah) Yes, but I have scored less than 100 points (sorry) No, I just fancied moving to the UK anyway (hmmm)
10) How do you propose to benefit your local community?
What's on this weekend? Spring Into Summer Saturday 30 & Sunday 31 May
40 free guided London walks. Purley Festival Friday 29 - Sunday 5 June
Bunting week, below Croydon. E17 Art Trail Sat 30th May - Sun 14th June
250 arty Walthamstow things.