diamond geezer

 Thursday, February 14, 2008

14 paths to planning the perfect last-minute Valentine's Day

The perfect Valentine's Day is one you've already planned. The whole 24 hours is pre-choreographed to run like clockwork, from the eternity ring hidden in the cornflakes packet to the delivery of fifteen red roses halfway through the meal at the posh restaurant you booked nine months ago. But if perchance that's not how your 14th February is lining up, then read on...

1) "Oh damn, has the post not arrived? You really can't trust the Royal Mail to get anything right these days, can you?"

2) Tell your beloved that it's National Chip Week (it is, it really is) and then take them out for a slap-up saveloy. If that doesn't work, they're not worth dating.

3) Set the alarm clock for 60 minutes earlier than usual, then use the extra hour to burrow down under the duvet and provide unlimited pleasure. After all, isn't that what VD's all about?

4) Pop down to the butchers and ask them for a recently severed heart - a proper one with various dangly tubes and still dripping with blood. You could staple it to a card, or hide it in an empty box of chocolates, or just serve it up for dinner. (n.b. not recommended for vegetarians)

5) Write them a poem. If you're feeling lazy you could just copy out one of Shakespeare's sonnets with the names changed, and claim it as your own. Verily and forsooth, they'll never notice.

6) "No, obviously I didn't book us a surprise meal at a swanky restaurant, just in case you'd double-booked us a surprise meal at a different swanky restaurant. Do I have to do everything round here?"

7) Rush down to M&S and buy some sensible lingerie, then use your computer to knock up a fake Ann Summers product label and tie it to the gusset with a bit of red wool. Make sure that your partner unwraps this "special gift" in the dark, urge them to wear it as soon as possible, get sweaty, and then offer to throw it in the washing machine immediately afterwards. Works every time.

8) Hire a string quartet. There must be one in Yellow Pages somewhere, and they can't all be booked up. Then they can come round and serenade your loved one while he/she does the washing up.

9) Buy a lottery scratchcard from the newsagents on the way into work. Then stick it in an envelope and scribble "yacht" on the front. And then keep your fingers crossed.

10) Dump your partner (by text or otherwise) on 13th February, then get back with them (by text or otherwise) two days later. Saves an absolute fortune.

11) There's still time to send one of Meg's anti-Valentines. Hurry now, while bandwidth lasts.

12) Come on, try harder. There are websites out there where you can find the perfect VD partner in minutes, and agree to hook up in a public place, then head down to the pub for a flirty drink, then go back to their place for wild passionate sex, then have a massive row and storm off home, and then never see them again. It's like having an entire relationship in one day, only cheaper.

13) Get an agreement from your partner, in advance, that you're not going to waste any time or money whatsoever on the rampant commercialism of Valentine's Day.

14) Stay single, it's so much easier. Valen-what?

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