As dawn breaks over this blessed plot, the people of England are waking up to our very first St George's DayBank Holiday. This officially recognised day of national rejoicing has long been awaited by the patriots of our blessed realm. And now their gallant and iron-willed campaigning has finally come to fruition. Throughout the country Little Englanders will be enjoying a rare day off work to celebrate their national identity with a pint, a picnic basket and (more than likely) an umbrella. Hey nonny no. Let's party!
• Sponsored Jerusalem Marathon: The good ladies of Somerset's 58 Women's Institutes attempt to break the world record for shining forth upon clouded hills (coffee and biscuits will be served). [true/false]
• Looking For A New England: Merry minstrel Billy Bragg discusses his new book "The Progressive Patriot" on stage at the Barbican, then sings that song Kirsty MacColl made famous. [true/false]
• The Bakewell Pudding Race: Local children run three-legged around the town square whilst balancing a slice of this jam and almond treat on their heads. The winners get to scoff the lot, and the losers have to eat Jamie Oliver's healthy balanced school dinners for the rest of the month. [true/false]
• The Great English Asparagus Run: Celebrate St George's Day With Asparagus! After the playing of Elgar's Land of Hope and Glory, the Lord Lieutenant of Worcestershire will be driven in a Morgan Motor Car from Evesham to London to present a porcelain platter of finest asparagus to a St George's Day Reception in the House of Commons. [true/false]
• The Wisbech Morris Dancing Festival: Because nothing says "English" quite so much as bashing a bloated drunkard over the head with a pig's bladder. [true/false]
• The ASBO Miracle Plays: Thetford's finest young talent invite you to step behind their bus shelter, sniff a bagful of glue and wake up minus a couple of teeth and all your jewellery. [true/false]
• Festival of English Food: Do your arteries need furring? Then come along to Trafalgar Square this afternoon, courtesy of the gang at Borough Market, to enjoy a greasy Cornish pasty or a mouthful of wild boar or a Ginger Pig sausage roll (or maybe just a complimentary heart bypass). [true/false]
• Burn-an-immigrant Bonfire: Three misguided Barking councillors invite you to revel in naked prejudice dressed up as a family day out. [true/false]
• State Opening of Parliament: It'll be an extra special day for democracy in Stratford-upon-Avon where the inaugural day of the English Parliament will be attended by Her Royal Highness The Princess Royal. Laws expected to be passed by the end of the day include a 3pm "tea and scones" break for all English workers, compulsory fox-hunting in schools and the reintroduction of hanging. [true/false]
• St George's Discovery Tour: Let Michael Palin be your guide as he leads a coach tour into the forgotten hinterlands of Turkey, or through the wastelands of Palestine, or round some other Middle Eastern backwater where our elusive patron saint may or may not have lived and almost certainly never slaughtered any dragons whatsoever. But don't let that stop you getting very drunk tonight. [true/false]
As dawn breaks over this blessed plot, the people of England are waking up to our very first St George's Day Bank Holiday. This officially recognised day of national rejoicing has long been awaited by the patriots of our blessed realm. And now their gallant and iron-willed campaigning has finally come to fruition. Throughout the country Little Englanders will be enjoying a rare day off work to celebrate their national identity with a pint, a picnic basket and (more than likely) an umbrella. Hey nonny no. Let's party!
