Paxman: Sooooooo, Boris, what have you got to say for yourself after four years as Mayor of London? Boris: Well, golly, hasn't it been fun? I've had such a jolly time appearing on the telly and and meeting people and going to receptions. London really is a great city, and I've enjoyed every second of running it. Paxman: Yeeeeees, well, you haven't really been running London at all, have you? You hired a bunch of special advisers to do that. Do you think they've been worth the money you've been paying them? Boris: Oh absolutely yes, every last million. I'd never have had time to chair Have I Got News For You otherwise. And I must say I think Roman Abramovich has been great as Head of Affordable Housing, and Vinny Jones was an inspired choice as Chair of Culture, and Jeffrey Archer has been excellent as Director of Doing Things More Cheaply. Paxman: What about crime. You made a big fuss about crime when you got elected in 2008, telling Londoners you'd bring the figures down. What went wrong? Boris: Well, you know, a Mayor only has a certain degree of control over whether his citizens decide to stab one another or not. Free will and consumer choice and all that. And those online crime maps we brought in, how were we to know they'd depress house prices even further. Honest, I had lots of good ideas about cutting crime, but some thieving toerag stole my briefcase on the tube. Paxman: Ahhhhh yes, transport. What are your priorities for the next four years? Boris: Crossrail, yes, er, that's something I'd really like to get a chance to finish. I know I still haven't got the funding yet but, you know, the forms were jolly complicated and I didn't quite fill them in properly. In the meantime, my cut-price petrol loan scheme has proved terribly successful, helping ordinary Londoners to fill their Landrovers more cheaply. So, cripes, it's not all bad news. Paxman: If you're elected again as Mayor, will you be attending the Olympic opening ceremony in the summer? Boris: Yes, I will, of course! There's nothing I love more than a day trip to Paris. I think outsourcing the 2012 Games to France has been a financial triumph for Londoners, and shows my continuing commitment to value for money. Paxman: And if you win tomorrow? Boris: I've planned a big piss-up in a brewery, I think.
Paxman: Ken Livingstone, defeated ex-Mayor of London, aren't you getting a bit old for this sort of thing? Ken: Sorry I'm late, but Boris won't let me use my Freedom Pass on the buses before 9am. Paxman: Londoners have already rejected your snivelling weaselling once. What makes you think you deserve the reins of the capital again? Ken: Boris has removed hundreds of my best friends from various jobs running London, people like Race Advisers and Equality Risk Managers and Community Stakeholder Executives, and they're missing out on a share of the capital's wealth. I can't slip these people money if I'm not in power. Paxman: But you had eight years as Mayor last time. Surely if you couldn't get things done in eight years, then they weren't worth doing? Ken: Well, obviously I'm disappointed I never eradicated all the pigeons from Trafalgar Square. I've got sackloads of poisoned birdseed and vicious killer falcons ready this time. And I also had big plans to demolish the whole of Southwark and replace everything with 50-storey skyscrapers, but sadly that never quite came to pass. Paxman: Su-urely, as Boris has shown, it's better to spend less on politically correct fripperies and to cut everyone's council tax instead? Especially with interest rates now at 20%. Ken: Oh I disagree. I really miss selecting a random ethnic group and then splashing out hard-earned taxes on a special day's celebrations in Trafalgar Square. If I'd been re-elected I had big plans for Polesday. Paxman: Some people were extremely surprised in 2009 when you started writing a twice-weekly column for the Evening Standard. How do you live with your conscience? Ken: Look Jeremy, it's very simple. When Andrew Gilligan left the paper to become the BBC's ethics correspondent, the Standard suddenly had a vacancy for someone to write vicious spiteful copy attacking the Mayor. I was only too glad to step in. Paxman: One last question. Do you promise to give up your day job if you're re-elected Mayor tomorrow? Ken: My current role as Vice President of Venezuela is merely ceremonial, and wouldn't get in the way of running London. It didn't last time, anyway.
Paxman: Are youstill here? Brian: Er, sorry. Paxman: And close the door behind you.