diamond geezer

 Wednesday, April 30, 2008

London Elects 010508London Mayoral Debate 2012

Paxman: Sooooooo, Boris, what have you got to say for yourself after four years as Mayor of London?
Boris: Well, golly, hasn't it been fun? I've had such a jolly time appearing on the telly and and meeting people and going to receptions. London really is a great city, and I've enjoyed every second of running it.
Paxman: Yeeeeees, well, you haven't really been running London at all, have you? You hired a bunch of special advisers to do that. Do you think they've been worth the money you've been paying them?
Boris: Oh absolutely yes, every last million. I'd never have had time to chair Have I Got News For You otherwise. And I must say I think Roman Abramovich has been great as Head of Affordable Housing, and Vinny Jones was an inspired choice as Chair of Culture, and Jeffrey Archer has been excellent as Director of Doing Things More Cheaply.
Paxman: What about crime. You made a big fuss about crime when you got elected in 2008, telling Londoners you'd bring the figures down. What went wrong?
Boris: Well, you know, a Mayor only has a certain degree of control over whether his citizens decide to stab one another or not. Free will and consumer choice and all that. And those online crime maps we brought in, how were we to know they'd depress house prices even further. Honest, I had lots of good ideas about cutting crime, but some thieving toerag stole my briefcase on the tube.
Paxman: Ahhhhh yes, transport. What are your priorities for the next four years?
Boris: Crossrail, yes, er, that's something I'd really like to get a chance to finish. I know I still haven't got the funding yet but, you know, the forms were jolly complicated and I didn't quite fill them in properly. In the meantime, my cut-price petrol loan scheme has proved terribly successful, helping ordinary Londoners to fill their Landrovers more cheaply. So, cripes, it's not all bad news.
Paxman: If you're elected again as Mayor, will you be attending the Olympic opening ceremony in the summer?
Boris: Yes, I will, of course! There's nothing I love more than a day trip to Paris. I think outsourcing the 2012 Games to France has been a financial triumph for Londoners, and shows my continuing commitment to value for money.
Paxman: And if you win tomorrow?
Boris: I've planned a big piss-up in a brewery, I think.

Paxman: Ken Livingstone, defeated ex-Mayor of London, aren't you getting a bit old for this sort of thing?
Ken: Sorry I'm late, but Boris won't let me use my Freedom Pass on the buses before 9am.
Paxman: Londoners have already rejected your snivelling weaselling once. What makes you think you deserve the reins of the capital again?
Ken: Boris has removed hundreds of my best friends from various jobs running London, people like Race Advisers and Equality Risk Managers and Community Stakeholder Executives, and they're missing out on a share of the capital's wealth. I can't slip these people money if I'm not in power.
Paxman: But you had eight years as Mayor last time. Surely if you couldn't get things done in eight years, then they weren't worth doing?
Ken: Well, obviously I'm disappointed I never eradicated all the pigeons from Trafalgar Square. I've got sackloads of poisoned birdseed and vicious killer falcons ready this time. And I also had big plans to demolish the whole of Southwark and replace everything with 50-storey skyscrapers, but sadly that never quite came to pass.
Paxman: Su-urely, as Boris has shown, it's better to spend less on politically correct fripperies and to cut everyone's council tax instead? Especially with interest rates now at 20%.
Ken: Oh I disagree. I really miss selecting a random ethnic group and then splashing out hard-earned taxes on a special day's celebrations in Trafalgar Square. If I'd been re-elected I had big plans for Polesday.
Paxman: Some people were extremely surprised in 2009 when you started writing a twice-weekly column for the Evening Standard. How do you live with your conscience?
Ken: Look Jeremy, it's very simple. When Andrew Gilligan left the paper to become the BBC's ethics correspondent, the Standard suddenly had a vacancy for someone to write vicious spiteful copy attacking the Mayor. I was only too glad to step in.
Paxman: One last question. Do you promise to give up your day job if you're re-elected Mayor tomorrow?
Ken: My current role as Vice President of Venezuela is merely ceremonial, and wouldn't get in the way of running London. It didn't last time, anyway.

Paxman: Are you still here?
Brian: Er, sorry.
Paxman: And close the door behind you.

<< click for Newer posts

click for Older Posts >>

click to return to the main page

...or read more in my monthly archives
Jan18  Feb18  Mar18  Apr18  May18  Jun18  Jul18
Jan17  Feb17  Mar17  Apr17  May17  Jun17  Jul17  Aug17  Sep17  Oct17  Nov17  Dec17
Jan16  Feb16  Mar16  Apr16  May16  Jun16  Jul16  Aug16  Sep16  Oct16  Nov16  Dec16
Jan15  Feb15  Mar15  Apr15  May15  Jun15  Jul15  Aug15  Sep15  Oct15  Nov15  Dec15
Jan14  Feb14  Mar14  Apr14  May14  Jun14  Jul14  Aug14  Sep14  Oct14  Nov14  Dec14
Jan13  Feb13  Mar13  Apr13  May13  Jun13  Jul13  Aug13  Sep13  Oct13  Nov13  Dec13
Jan12  Feb12  Mar12  Apr12  May12  Jun12  Jul12  Aug12  Sep12  Oct12  Nov12  Dec12
Jan11  Feb11  Mar11  Apr11  May11  Jun11  Jul11  Aug11  Sep11  Oct11  Nov11  Dec11
Jan10  Feb10  Mar10  Apr10  May10  Jun10  Jul10  Aug10  Sep10  Oct10  Nov10  Dec10 
Jan09  Feb09  Mar09  Apr09  May09  Jun09  Jul09  Aug09  Sep09  Oct09  Nov09  Dec09
Jan08  Feb08  Mar08  Apr08  May08  Jun08  Jul08  Aug08  Sep08  Oct08  Nov08  Dec08
Jan07  Feb07  Mar07  Apr07  May07  Jun07  Jul07  Aug07  Sep07  Oct07  Nov07  Dec07
Jan06  Feb06  Mar06  Apr06  May06  Jun06  Jul06  Aug06  Sep06  Oct06  Nov06  Dec06
Jan05  Feb05  Mar05  Apr05  May05  Jun05  Jul05  Aug05  Sep05  Oct05  Nov05  Dec05
Jan04  Feb04  Mar04  Apr04  May04  Jun04  Jul04  Aug04  Sep04  Oct04  Nov04  Dec04
Jan03  Feb03  Mar03  Apr03  May03  Jun03  Jul03  Aug03  Sep03  Oct03  Nov03  Dec03
 Jan02  Feb02  Mar02  Apr02  May02  Jun02  Jul02 Aug02  Sep02  Oct02  Nov02  Dec02 

eXTReMe Tracker
jack of diamonds
Life viewed from London E3

» email me
» follow me on twitter
» follow the blog on Twitter
» follow the blog on RSS

my flickr photostream