ATTENTION CITIZENS: Do you show sufficient respect to our marvellous boys and girls in the Armed Forces? We at the Ministry of Defence don't reckon that you do. Which is why we've published a report proposing the introduction of a new bank holiday called British Armed Forces and Veterans Day, every June. Because respect is due. Or else.
04:47 Reveille: played by the Little Dumley Infants Wind Band 06:00 Commemorative flypast by the Red Arrows. That'll rouse the lazy civvies who think a bank holiday is for laying in bed and going to IKEA. 07:00 Kit inspection: Sergeant Major Harris will be on hand to ensure that everyone in the village has shiny-buffed boots and perfect hospital corners. 08:55 Message of Support: Prime Minister Gordon Brown (tbc) speaks out via YouTube, and then Ross Kemp reads a stirring poem. 09:00 Homecoming Parade: Our Lads are back home after three months in a godforsaken foreign desert fighting some war that almost nobody in the UK understands. Come and watch them march up and down a bit. 10:00 Meet The Regiment: Find your Army soulmates, either in the West Henley ToffGenerals or the East Thurrock CannonFodders. 10:30 Wild Applause: Don't forget to burst into spontaneous appreciative clapping every time you see a man in camouflage gear. Oh rah rah that man. 11:00 Not the Two Minute Silence: Oi, you lot, stop gathering by the war memorial! Today is about remembering our glorious Armed Forces and Veterans, not commemorating the dead. They get a day to themselves in November. Now get back to the parade ground and start cheering. 12:00 Another Flypast: It's some old Spitfire and a couple of Chinooks this time. Honestly, it's noisier than living under the Heathrow flightpath. 12:15 The Flotilla of National Pride: The Royal Navy, who've been feeling pretty excluded so far, push a few paper boats across the duckpond. 13:00 Gasmask Pilates 13:30 Vocational Learning Demonstration: Teach yourself some useful army skills, like tank-driving, battle logistics and bayonetting. 14:00 'Freedom' Parade: Because if we brand the Armed Forces properly, somehow all that killing doesn't sound quite so bad. 14:45 Press Gang: Royal Navy Recruitment Officers kidnap a few lanky-looking adolescent yobs from the bus shelter on the edge of the village green and cart them off to live out the rest of their lives in a submarine. 15:00 Military Tattoo: Anybody fancy "I ♥ Our Brave Boys" needled into their forearm? 16:00 I Fought In The War You Know: The Vicar awards tiny gold-plated medals to all the local WW2 veterans that society has shamelessly ignored for the last 60-odd years. 16:30 Teenage indoctrination: Members of the newly formed Little Dumley Combined Cadet Force stand around in ill-fitting uniforms, fondling rifles and making their mothers terribly proud. 17:00 The Great Military Quiz: Schoolmistress Miss Humphries tests Class 3B on all the famous battles they've been learning about in Citizenship lessons this term. 17:45 Rounding Up of the Conscientious Objectors: Join the vigilante squad in the High Street so that the disrespectful can be named and shamed in tomorrow's Sun. 18:30 The Goat Race: Regimental mascots compete for a shiny silver cup. 19:00 Billycan Bonfire: Come share some rations out of a warm squeezy tube. 20:00 The Royal Tournament: Ah, remember the golden days when our TV schedules were cleared once a year so that the BBC could screen bagpiping bandsmen, formation horse-trotting and that pointless contest where two teams dragged a cannon across an obstacle course without touching the ground? Well it's back, and you will not switch over to ITV. 22:00 Fireworks: Choreographed by the Basra Aerial Assault Display Team 22:30 The Last Post: Little Dumley's residents bubble with crusading pride. And then straight to bed, because it's back to work in Civvy Street in the morning.
What's on this weekend? Spring Into Summer Saturday 30 & Sunday 31 May
40 free guided London walks. Purley Festival Friday 29 - Sunday 5 June
Bunting week, below Croydon. E17 Art Trail Sat 30th May - Sun 14th June
250 arty Walthamstow things.