 the Londoner
a newsletter from the Mayor
final edition - May 2008
The Londoner is a freesheet packed full with all the latest news and propaganda from the Greater London Assembly. Or at least it used to be. Now I'm in charge, I'm cancelling this ludicrous free sheet, this Pyongyang-style newspaper, and spending the money on something more useful. Pimms anyone?
CUTTING CRIME WITH BORIS
 I'm going to start as I mean to go on. I invite you all down to Marble Arch this afternoon, to the site of the old Tyburn Tree, for London's first public execution since 1868. Once a sufficiently large baying mob has gathered, the cull will begin. I'm going to flag down a passing bendy bus and send in a pack of foxhounds to drag out all the fare dodgers. Then I'm going to string the scallywags up for all to see and watch them dangle until their hoodies stop jiggling. Ha, that'll show them. I bet the crime figures plummet after this splendid show of force. Tally ho!
FOR SALE! LUXURY APARTMENTS
 Over 100 shiny glass apartments are now available at City Hall, following the eviction of the previous tenant and his extended family. This splendid riverside accommodation comes complete with ninth floor penthouse, central spiral staircase and excellent views over some old Norman castle. Would suit Mayfair clubbers, pinstriped fogeys and anyone who wants to live inside a glass testicle. Located within easy walking distance of all major City institutions (but tenants will probably prefer to take a taxi to work instead). Central heating system runs off cheap Venezuelan crude. Extortionate service charges have been a speciality for several years. Contact De Pfeffel Estate Agents for further details. | ROUTEMASTER COMPETITION
 Yes folks, it's time to get rid of Ken's evil bendy buses. Not immediately, obviously, because I've not got anything to replace them with. So today I'm launching a competition to design a new Routemaster for London's streets. I haven't got a bloody clue what the new buses should look like (apart from the fact that they should be red, obviously). So I'm linking up with children's TV programme Blue Peter, because if anyone can come up with a cute lovable slightly wonky design, it's a 7 year old. Drawings scribbled in crayon will score extra points. Feel free to ignore the infirm, the wheelchair-bound and the disabled, because that'll be cheaper. And then, in true Blue Peter fashion, we'll bin all the genuine entries and sneak into 1st place a design drawn by one of our Tory wonks. He calls it a "car".
CONGESTION CHARGE SHRINKS
 A special message to all my friends in Kensington and Chelsea. Last year Ken extended the Congestion Charge into your fine leafy streets, and then he planned to charge you £25 to drive your reasonably sized off-roaders down to Harrods. Well, stuff that. I can't change the rules until the new London Assembly meets next week. But, ssssh, don't tell anyone, I've already turned off all the cameras in the Western half of the zone. Now you can chug around Chelsea, hop across Holland Park and career through Knightsbridge to your heart's content. Trust me, no snapping lens will ever flash you. And you can spend all the money you've saved on petrol. And olives. See, and people said I wouldn't have any good ideas.
MAYDAY, MAYDAY
You may, over the last 24 hours, have developed a sudden uncontrollable urge to leave London and never come back. Well, good news! I'm laying on coaches for all of you non-believers, and paying for a one way ticket to The North for everyone who wants it. Be there in Trafalgar Square at noon on Saturday, and be off with you! Hurry now, while the capital's transport system still works... |
