1) What do I do with my postal vote? Post it, you idiot, preferably yesterday. Let's hope it arrives in time to be counted. Don't forget there's always a small but finite chance that your postal vote will end up lost in a binbag, or eaten by a rat, or steamed open and re-crossed by some scheming enemy of democracy. Still, if you can't be bothered to turn up in person, what do you expect?
2) Where's my polling station?
You should know where that is, either because they sent you a card or because it's your local primary school and you've had to take the day off to babysit the kids.
3) What do I say to the nice lady behind the desk?
Tell her your name and address, and she'll look you up on her list. At this point you may suddenly discover that you're not registered to vote. Oops. It's probably your own fault for not sending the form back. But it might just be that your electoral identity has been stolen by somebody who can read upside-down.
4) Hang on, I appear to have been given THREE pieces of paper.
Yes, that's right. You're not just voting for a celebrity clown to be Mayor, you're also voting for a bunch of obscure London Assembly members. Be brave and we'll take this one step at a time. Pink sheet first.
5) Blimey, I thought there were only three candidates for mayor.
No, there are ten, although you wouldn't guess from the tiny amount of press coverage some of the smaller candidates have had. Please, don't vote for the bigot by mistake. Or the nutter. Or the bigoted nutter.
6) Is that Boris Johnson's middle name? LOLROFL
Stop giggling and concentrate. This is where you pick your first preference for Mayor of London. Feel free to pick one of the smaller parties - they'll never get in but your cross will make their candidate feel 0.00001% better about themselves.
7) OK I've voted for Mayor. What's this second column for?
That's for your second preference. If you didn't vote for Ken or Boris in the first column, vote for either Ken or Boris now because everybody else will have been knocked out by the second stage. This is your real vote. This one decides London's future for the next four years. This one actually matters.
8) Now, what about the yellow ballot paper?
This is where you vote for a constituency member of the London Assembly. One of the non-entities on the list has probably been your elected representative for the last four years, but they've made so little impact on your life that you've never heard of them. The rest are even less famous. Try not to pick the candidate with the funniest name.
9) And the final paper, what colour's that, apricot?
It's peach, obviously. This is where you pick a party, not a person, and the remaining eleven seats are shared out according to the votes (using the "Modified d’Hondt Formula"). There are two big dangers here. One is that enough people might gang together and vote in the BNP, which would be ghastly. And the other is that enough people might gang together and vote in George Galloway, which would be insufferable.
10) OK, I've posted all my votes in the ballot box. Now what?
We don't find out who won until tomorrow, probably quite late tomorrow, after they've spent all day counting the votes. And don't worry, it's a secret ballot, so if you picked a winner and they turn out to be a cringeworthy embarrassment, nobody need ever know.
How to vote in today's London Mayoral Election
