Our nation's youth are out of control. Whereas we grew up in an era of innocence and purity, our offspring are increasingly likely to be underage alcoholic hooligans. And whose fault is this? Why, yours of course. We in the Government can only attempt to nurture the correct conditions for honour and respect to flourish, whereas you parents are at the cutting edge of society's imminent breakdown. Your kids are all potential drink-obsessed community-wreckers, every last one of them, and it's up to you to sort them out. To this end we've just published a new set of age-related guidelines on responsible parenting and alcohol, and we'd like you to enforce them for us. The next generation's moral future is in your hands.
Age Guidance <1> Breastfeed your child. Do not give them lager. <2> Train your child to hate alcohol by repeatedly pointing to a wine bottle and then vomiting. <3> Your toddler's temper tantrums are merely the early signs of a life of anti-social behaviour. Slap them down now. <4> It's illegal to give your child alcohol at this age. That's one law we've got right. <5> It's not illegal to give your child alcohol at this age. But please don't. <6> Do you know where your six-year-old is? Could he be out necking cider in the local playground? <7> Check under your daughter's bed. Are there alcopops hidden in amongst the pink princesses and cuddly toys? <8> If you're throwing a wild party this weekend, make sure your child stays in bed and doesn't see what a sozzled inebriate you are. <9> Are you sure that's a glass of water by your daughter's bed. Take heed, it could be vodka. <10> Introduce your child to alcohol responsibly. Offer them a sip of sherry at Christmas. And stop there. <11> Do try to keep your offspring busy. Scouts, camping, extra homework, violin lessons, that sort of thing. Boredom is the enemy of society. <12> Stop giving your child pocket money. You know they'll only spend it on beer, lager and vintage wine. <13> Never let your child travel by bus. Bus shelters are hotbeds of rampant underage swigging. Drive them everywhere instead. <14> If your teenager insists on having a rebellious habit, why not suggest they take up smoking instead? It's less anti-social, and it won't cost the Health Service for years yet. <15> Your child is probably sitting in the park with their mates and six bottles of White Lightning. Ring the police now. <16> Look, if you can't keep your intoxicated teenager under control, we're going to have to stop your benefits. That'll help. <17> Your daughter has the liver of a 60-year-old. Ask her to give it back. <18> Good news - the aggressive, abusive and suicidal binge drinker sleeping upstairs isn't your responsibility any more. But they are your fault. <40> Actually, we're thinking of raising the legal drinking age to 40. Sounds good to us (hic).
Dear Parent,
