Recycling your household waste is very important. We councillors all have targets to meet, and it's crucial to our future electability that we hit them. So we're writing to remind you about our borough's few simple rules regarding recycling. Really, what could be easier than sorting out your refuse into categories and placing everything into the correct bin on the correct day? Adherence to these elementary regulations should take up only a few hours of your week. Please pay careful attention, because non-compliance will cost you dear.
Kerbside recycling (green): Please place all plastic and paper recyclables in the green bin provided. Note that milk cartons are recyclable, so long as the label has been soaked away, whereas the small plastic peel-off seal covering the top is not, and neither are Yellow Pages telephone directories, while Thompson Local directories can be accepted so long as their covers are ripped off and all card-based inserts removed. Simple.
Kerbside recycling (purple): For non-hazardous aluminium-based refuse only. Kerbside recycling (orange): For clinical waste, excluding asbestos. Kerbside recycling (pink): For disposable nappies, pre-low-energy light bulbs, vegetable peelings and polystyrene bobbles. Kerbside recycling (turquoise): For unwanted purple, orange and pink refuse sacks.
Contamination: Certain non-recyclable items should not be included in your kerbside bin in case they mess up our system or cut our profit margins. These items include steel cans, knitwear, plastic shrink-wrap and curry sauce.
Fortnightly collections: All collections will be made according to a simple fortnightly calendar. Do not put out your rubbish on the wrong day, or you will be fined. This Thursday is for your green bin and blue tray, and next Tuesday is for your orange bag and purple box. Collection days reverse in alternate fortnights. At certain times, including months with bank holidays, collection dates may be altered either forwards or backwards. All amendments to collection times will be clearly advertised on page 47 of the council's free newsletter, available from that rack on the desk in the local library, should it be open. Residents who enjoy smelly food are strongly advised not to consume such foodstuffs more than seven days before a planned collection in case their neighbours get really annoyed by the pong.
Making your recycling available: Bins should be placed just inside your front garden, unless you don't have a front garden in which case please huddle them on the pavement where the foxes can get at them. Bins must be made available for contractor access by 6am on the appropriate collection day, but should not be left out before 2am in case they create a trip hazard.
Garden waste (yellow): Non-compostable garden waste should be placed into official yellow sacks only. These can be purchased from approved local stockists at very reasonable rates. We apologise that the sacks are a bit small and tend to split, but this is the fault of our contractor and you cannot sue us. Yellow sacks will be collected separately, in alternate weeks, and no more than one sack per fortnight will be permitted. If you have a particularly big garden, or have spent the entire weekend digging and pruning, please retain your garden waste in a convenient off-road location and dispose of it during the winter months instead.
Bulky items: You know that sofa you don't like, the wide-screen TV that's no longer sufficiently cutting edge, and the washing machine that no longer works? We'll take them away, if you ring in advance, if you insist (unless someone else steals them from the pavement first).
Disposal sites: Several recycling sites have been set up around the borough. These have been located at least a five minute drive away, thereby cancelling out any environmental benefits gained by recycling a bundle of newspapers and few glass bottles.
Scary warning: Deliberate misuse of recycling sacks may result in a fine of up to £1000. Cross-contamination of different recycling types may result in a fine of up to £1000. Non-closed bins, over-heavy bins, mis-filled bins or wrongly scheduled bins may also result in a fine of up to £1000. Sorry, but all fines are cumulative and non-refundable, even if it turns out that your neighbours have been sneaking their yellow waste into your blue box just for a laugh. Blimey, this is an even easier way to rake in money than setting up an army of unnecessary speed cameras. Recycling, it's great, innit?
