| | Often | Sometimes | Avoid |
| Meat | turkey (phew), venison (for the upwardly mobile diner), more turkey, tofu (for vegetarian pretenders), yet more turkey | turkey with the skin left on (and the odd hair), goose, duck, ham (with or without cloves), boar's head (for the stubborn traditionalist) | crackling (obviously, but damn), cocktail sausages (with or without sticks), mini sausages wrapped in crispy bacon (doubly evil), pate, pork pies (it's not going to be a fun Christmas, is it?), Iceland creamy vol-aux-vents |
| Fish | smoked salmon, unsmoked salmon (especially that posh but cheap tinned stuff with bones in) | prawns (includes cocktails) | chip shop fish (looks like being five consecutive days of turkey, then) |
| Eggs & dairy | skimmed milk (you can't make decent bread sauce with that), low fat cottage cheese (why o why?), meringue | semi-skimmed milk (from semi-skimmed cows) blancmange (how very retro), Edam, Camembert & Brie | full fat milk, delicious double cream (mmm, but so very wrong), brandy butter, the rest of the cheeseboard (that's crackers), eggnog (it's like injecting cholesterol deep into your veins), Jacobs Cheese Footballs |
| Fats | none (obviously) | still none (obviously) | buttery dollops (just don't), congealed spoonfuls of dripping, gravy (OXO-free), all that lovely thick fatty gloop which gives Christmas meat its taste |
| Fruit & veg | almost all fruit (especially cranberries), almost all veg (especially sprouts), salad (for that righteous Boxing Day side dish) | olives (Islington party staple), avocado (Islington dinner party staple), pickles | fried parsnips, honey glazed carrots, roast potatoes (nooooo!), peanuts & crisps (stop nibbling now), Meltis Berry Fruits |
| Sweet stuff | marzipan (typical, the only thing in the "often" column, and it's bloody marzipan) | Turkish delight | Christmas pudding (go on, just one slice can't hurt), cake (especially Christmas cake), anything with icing (especially Christmas cake), mince pies (sheesh), panettone, Lebkuchen, chocolate (in all forms, especially Toblerones, and gobbling down an entire box of Milk Tray in one sitting, and Quality Street, yes, even the green ones), creamy chocolatey biscuits (from that luxury selection tin your Auntie bought), Elizabeth Shaw mints (damn, everything nice is in this box) |
| Drinks | water, fruit juice, beer, brandy (flaming or otherwise), wine, mulled wine, sherry (it's zero cholesterol, all this alcohol, but don't overdo it) | after dinner coffee with skimmed milk | Baileys, chocolate liqueurs, hot chocolate |
| Misc. | licking an After Eight (preferably without taking the wrapper off) | swallowing three Pringles (but not the entire tube) | scooping the contents of a Christmas hamper slowly and persistently into your mouth |
The low cholesterol diet
