25 reasons why the new Third Runway at Heathrow Airport will be really good for the environment
1) The new runway replaces 700 homes, all of which are currently full of wasteful CO2-emitting residents with cars and washing machines and stuff. Be gone, oh foul emitters! 2) It'll mean closing down a school, which means there'll be fewer obese kids in the Hounslow area, and that can only be a good thing. 3) Government-funded compulsory purchase offers on houses in the village of Sipson will give the London property market a much-needed boost. 4) All homes around the new runway will get free triple-glazing, which will greatly reduce heating bills. 5) The fields where the runway will be built are currently home to an evil herd of methane-belching cows. 6) Heathrow's emission levels, if averaged out over the period 1920-2020, will easily meet all EU targets. 7) Local residents who don't want to live nextdoor to a job-creating wealth hub are always free to move to the Welsh countryside, where there are sheep. 8) The new runway will facilitate an extra 600 flights per day, which will be a far more efficient and cost-effective use of Britain's otherwise-underused airspace. 9) Increased deaths from asthma and other lung-related conditions will reduce the number of local residents dependent on state pension handouts. 10) Noise pollution from planes landing and taking off will be considerably lower than having your eardrum pierced by a pneumatic drill. 11) No public enquiry into Terminal 6 ever will be held, so no mountain of in-depth bureaucratic reports need be published, so no rainforests need to be chopped down. 12) A new extremely-fast railway to Birmingham will be good for the environment, and allow Richard Branson to screw domestic travellers both by air and by rail. 13) On take off, just out of the left-hand window, first-class passengers will be able to enjoy a lovely close-up view of the village of Harmondsworth, with its 12th century church and Tithe Barn and quaint asymmetric cottages. 14) It's a lot more environmentally friendly to extend an existing airport than it is to build a brand new airport in the middle of the Thames estuary where there are no roads, no rail links and (most importantly) no land. 15) Thanks to depreciation in house prices caused by increased noise pollution, deaf people will be able to move into the west London area on the cheap. 16) To balance the carbon emissions pumped out by a larger Heathrow, all we have to do is force everyone north of Watford to sell their cars. 17) Only nice friendly emission-lite planes will be allowed to operate on the new runway, and they're bound to be invented soon. 18) London schoolkids never get a clear view of the night sky, thanks to abysmal levels of light pollution, but all these extra planes will look like twinkling stars. 19) Flying is the safest way to travel, so long as you're not standing on the ground breathing it all in. 20) The new runway won't be built at Gatwick, which is great news for the people of Crawley. 21) Air quality in 99% of the UK will not be affected. 22) None of this will happen before 2020, which means that emissions in 2019 will be a lot lower than they could have been. 23) When global flooding kicks in, it'll be easier to catch a plane out of London to somewhere safer. 24) No kittens will be harmed in the building of this new airport extension. 25) The Conservatives will scrap it, so it'll never get built anyway.
1) The new runway replaces 700 homes, all of which are currently full of wasteful CO2-emitting residents with cars and washing machines and stuff. Be gone, oh foul emitters!
1) The new runway replaces 700 homes, all of which are currently full of wasteful CO2-emitting residents with cars and washing machines and stuff. Be gone, oh foul emitters!