Lesson 1: Making something out of absolutely nothing
Are you looking for a job in the nu-media world of PR, but worried that you don't have any skills? Never fear, because skills aren't actually necessary. Anyone can cobble together a few plausible looking paragraphs, post them online and then sit back and bask in the reflected glory of mega-publicity. Today I'm going to show you how, with the aid of a masterpiece of the genre. It's a slice of perfection launched yesterday from the TfL News Centre. You might want to have the complete 540 word missive to hand as I dissect its finer points. And if someone can make a living writing stuff like this, so can you!
Tramlink celebrates
CELEBRATIONS are taking place today to mark London Tramlink's trams each passing the one million kilometre mark.
That's a great start. See how cunningly the writer mentions "celebrations" without actually mentioning what they are. Builds up the anticipation brilliantly. And there's also a very big number. Media outlets love very big numbers because they sound exciting, especially in the Croydon area. Look out, here come some more...
The 24 trams on the 28-mile south London route, which opened in May 2000, carry an average of 26.5 million passengers each year...
Oooh, the numbers fall thick and fast. Although, if you read carefully, none of these numbers help to explain the one million kilometre milestone. Never mind, I'm sure the author will explain the significance of this magic million later in the piece. Why mess things up with maths so early?
...and are invaluable to the south Londoners who travel between central Croydon, Wimbledon, Beckenham and New Addington.
We're still only in the second paragraph, but already that's four different locations mentioned. This is an excellent and cost-efficient way to engage the full geographical spread of local media.
Although trams are an everyday sight on the streets of most European cities, London was tram-less for almost 50 years before the Croydon Tramlink opened.
Time for a diverting history lesson. You might query how this could possibly link to million kilometre celebrations, but forget those. It's more important to introduce a pan-European heritage dimension, because this can only help to engender positive brand reinforcement. Watch and learn.
In the beginning <84 words about tram history>
A diverting interlude about how modern trams are better than they used to be in 1861. Looks like it's been nabbed from a display panel at the London Transport Museum, which is great because that saves the writer from having to compose anything original. Originality is the thief of time.
TfL takeover <49 words about how wonderful TfL have been, tram-wise>
Never resist the opportunity to big up your organisation. Even if it's of no direct relevance to the press release in hand (million km celebrations? what million km celebrations?), you can never list your achievements too often. If you're lucky, desperate newspapers will cut and paste your text and re-broadcast it to an impressionable audience of thousands.
Improving trams and stops <92 words about how wonderful TfL are being, tram-wise>
The article kicked off by talking about celebrations, but now we're discussing graffiti removal and new upholstery instead. Like all the best politicians, the trick is to twist any conversation round to what you want to tell people, even if it's not in the slightest bit relevant to the initial premise.
Easing the fare burden <101 words about how trams cost less if you're poor>
Even better. Nothing whatsoever to do with trams travelling a million kilometres each, but four sentences lifted from one of TfL's other current press releases. This is called recycling. It's a very efficient way of padding out a limp story with key stakeholder messages.
Making trams accessible <105 words about step-free trams for the disabled>
This is fantastically brazen. See how tactile strips and easy-reach buttons have been shoehorned into the narrative for absolutely no good reason whatsoever. Remember, shining the PR spotlight to illuminate your company's inclusive agenda scores copious brownie points. So that's a win.
London's trams really are for everyone.
Kerching! That's the tagline inserted effortlessly, despite having zero relevance to 28 trams each travelling a very long distance. Surely the mobility challenged will be relocating to Croydon in droves after reading this.
And that's the end of the press release. There is no more. We never did discover any convincing evidence that Tramlink's trams had passed a million kilometres each. More to the point, we never once discovered what the celebrations actually were. Did TfL's Head of Trams unveil a plaque at Mitcham Junction? Did the Mayor of Croydon blow out the candles on a big tram-shaped cake? Did Barbara Windsor release a million balloons into the sky above the Whitgift Centre? Or, more likely, was there no physical celebration at all, just a slight whoop at a journalist's desk when they realised that a meaningless statistical milestone had passed.
This has been a pitch perfect prime PR puff piece. Nothing whatsoever happened, but the writer still churned out more than 500 words of irrelevant cut-and-pasted text AND GOT PAID TO DO SO. Anyone could have done the same. Next time, why shouldn't it be you?
7pm update: Sorry everybody, but TfL have now removed this press release from their News Centre. Maybe it was deemed too good for public consumption. Or perhaps somebody in authority finally realised it was drivel. But if you still want to read it, never fear, because it appeared in yesterday's Metro (which is archived here).
