Yet again the BBC's name has been dragged into the gutter, becoming a target for national ridicule. Yet again scandalous revelations have exposed deception at the heart of public service broadcasting. And yet again it's a lack of scrutiny by BBC employees which is to blame. You useless lot, you bunch of slackers.
The latest University Challenge fiasco is an embarrassing debacle which could so easily have been avoided. Did nobody think to double-check the academic credentials of Corpus Christi's goody-goody foursome? Was it not obvious that one of the team had evolved mid-series into a cheating accountant, in direct contravention of unwritten rule 6 clause 7b? The whole country knows the truth today. Why couldn't just one of us have spotted that truth before transmission?
So today I'm announcing a major internal inquiry (yes, another one) to attempt to uncover future cover-up catastrophes. Is there another reputation-shattering liar amidst our scheduled programming? Has anyone else been telling porkies with public money? It's up to all of us to uncover ingrained falsehood before the tabloids find us out. The BBC must be unblemishable.
I've got my eye on a few programmes which I suspect might be breaking the BBC Trust's new Extra-Rigid Code of Prim and Proper Conduct.
• Dragon's Den: Look, I can't help noticing, but those four entrepreneurs striding towards the camera in the opening shots aren't actually dragons. They're just slightly unpleasant money-launderers with poor dress sense. Can we rename this one please? • EastEnders: I've been watching this fly-on-the-wall documentary for several years now, and I've started to wonder whether the events depicted might just possibly be fabricated. I mean, is there really an East London square where everyone still speaks English and uses the launderette? Let's have some gritty realism please. • Cash In The Attic: But there isn't any. We need to rename this one Junk In The Loft, to take effect immediately. • Desert Island Discs: You can't fool me. This programme's coming from a studio just north of Oxford Circus, and Kirsty never plays any vinyl. It's lies, all lies, I tell you. • BBC News: We have a public duty to report the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So why are we giving airtime to politicians? History shows us that at least 50% of everything they say is either an exaggeration or a downright lie. Let's not give them a platform to spout their unbridled deceit, let's stick to news stories about kittens instead. • Songs of Praise: I think we're on rocky ground here. This weekly programme acknowledges a supreme being whose existence is backed up by absolutely no conclusive evidence whatsoever. What if we're wrong, what if this deity is merely a deluded figment of a collective imagination? Get me proof, or I'm pulling Aled.
University Challenge has got to go too, obviously. We can't leave this elitist quiz show hanging around in the schedules, not when any old Oxbridge scum could take us for a ride and leave egg on our corporate faces. The only sure way to prevent future scandal is to scrap the show entirely. Sorry Jeremy, you'll have to stick to making documentaries about art instead.
The BBC must become risk-proof and scandal-free. We have a duty of care to the licence payer, and public trust is more important than creativity. Transparency must be our watchword, and if ensuring morality means tedious broadcasting then so be it. Please let me know of any other potential programming outrages immediately, or I'll sack you.
Dear BBC Employee
