The Speaker of the House of Commons, Mr Michael Martin MP, will be executed at Tyburn Gallows at 3pm this afternoon.
This man has presided over the greatest ever crisis in confidence in parliamentary history, and you the taxpayer have paid for his misdemeanours. Every plasma TV, every flipped mortgage and every crumpled receipt for twelve toilet rolls, all of this was Michael's fault. He should have had the hindsight to see how corrupt the system was, like the rest of us now have, and forced our greedy politicians to toe the line. But he failed. And now he must pay the price.
We thought it would be nice to erect a gibbet in the traditionallocation, at the western end of Oxford Street, on the traffic island opposite Marble Arch. Tyburn used to be plenty big enough to accommodate an angry mob back in the 18th century, but things were rather less built-up back then. Now Boris tells us we can't even erect grandstands in the Edgware Road for the spectators, something to do with smoothing the traffic flow, so we're relocating to Hyde Park instead. [Event will be held in the Odeon cinema if wet]
It's time for Gorbals Mick to go, and you can be a part of his departure. Do come along this afternoon. Bring a friend, why don't you, and maybe bring a can of petrol and a cigarette lighter too. Justice will be swift, and retribution will be sweet. He had it coming. Come and throw the first stone.
Event Timetable 1330: Richard Littlejohn welcomes the baying crowd and whips them up into a frenzy 1335: Warm-up entertainment begins (sponsored by British Gas) 1336: Katherine Jenkins sings Time To Say Goodbye 1340: A wooden mock-up of Parliament is set on fire (or, if the crowd's really angry, maybe the real thing) 1350: T-Mobile flashmob erupts into spontaneous choreographed fist-clenching, to the tune of We Will Rock You 1355: Sacrifice of convenient scapegoat (will then be turned into kebabs to feed the crowd) 1400: Warm-up show-trials begin (sponsored by Rentokil) 1405: Ordeal by water - Douglas Hogg MP is thrown into the Serpentine, because it's the nearest thing round here to a moat (if he floats, he's guilty) (if he sinks, he's also guilty) (because all MPs are guilty as hell, aren't they, every last one) 1420: Ordeal by fire - John Prescott MP has two toilet seats hung around his neck, which are then set alight (if he burns, he's guilty) (if he merely chars, he's toast) 1430: Ordeal by combat - Two obscure backbench MPs with questionable mortgage claims fight to the death over which of them followed the rules better (with commentary by David Dimbleby) 1445: Two Minute Hate (sponsored by the Daily Telegraph) 1447: The Lord High Executioner leads the procession to the gallows, wearing his finest ermine hoodie 1450: The Speaker is transported in an ox-cart from the steps of Primark (bottles may be chucked) 1455: Ceremonial tying of the noose (followed by commercial break) 1500: Hanging (further programmes may run late if extra time is required) 1510: Drawing 1520: Quartering 1530: Moral bloodlust duly cleansed, the British public get back to their mucky money-grabbing lives