One of the downsides to moving house ten years ago was that I had to replace my driving licence. New address, new document required. Bad timing, as it turned out, because I became one of the first mainstream UK drivers to require an EU-approved photocard licence. Not fun, given that I was up to my knees in packing boxes and didn't really have the time for this additional level of hassle. I eventually managed to find a photo booth in Small Local Town, decided I could semi-tolerate the image it churned out, then sent everything off and waited eagerly for all the necessary documentation to be returned. Sorted, I thought. Hassle over.
But no. The smaller-than-usual smallprint on the back of my new driving licence hid a nasty surprise, which was that my photocard driving licence is only vaild for 10 years. Far from being a document for life, it actually expires within the next month, at "midnight precisely", after which time I could be landed with a £1000 fine if I attempt to use it. Ouch.
I was alerted to this unfortunate state of affairs when the DVLA sent me a reminder letter, which informed me that there were three things I must do to renew my licence, or else I'd have to surrender it. First I had to get myself a new photo, then I had to post back all my existing documents, and then I had to pay for the privilege. Damn. And grrr.
The rules for acceptable photographs appear to have been tightened up since 1999 and now match the draconian requirements required for a new passport. No redeye, no grinning, no teeth. Look natural, but not too natural. No hats, no burkhas, no sunglasses. Whatever you do don't blink. No blur, no shadow, no coloured backgrounds. Must be taken "in the last month", annoyingly, so no retrieving those three spare photos I had left over from a similar request last year, they won't do. And finally the bureaucratically precise demand that the head (from top to chin) must fill "at least 29mm and no more than 34mm" of the 45mm frame. Rulers at the ready.
There's no chance of meeting this list of requirements whilst sat in a photo booth, not without wasting huge amounts of money on not-quite-acceptable attempts. Equally, even though almost everyone has a digital camera these days, few of us would be able to take and print out a perfectly proportioned photo that'd keep the DVLA pedants happy. Sigh.
So I had to hunt down of those professional studio places where someone takes your photo for you. They're not easy to find, even in the middle of a large capital city, so goodness knows how much harder it'd be if I were still living in Small Local Town. I eventually found a bloke in a tiny shop in the subway arcade above Charing Cross tube station (opposite entrance number 9, if you ever need something similar). He sat me in precisely the right place, and did a test shot first to ensure my face was the right height, and made certain I was looking straight at the camera in an appropriate manner, and printed out everything in five minutes flat, and only charged me just under a fiver for the lot. OK, so I still look like a swivel-eyed loon in the photo, and I have seven spare copies I shall almost certainly never need, but the DVLA will be satisfied and I shall have ten years of quiet.
Having attached my mugshot to the form, I now have to enclose a processing fee. And blimey, it's a bit steep. The DVLA are charging £20 for this update, and it's pay up every ten years or else lose out. They're also insisting that payment be made either by cheque or postal order, which sounds like they haven't moved on financially since 1999. I can barely remember the last time I used my cheque book - indeed it's taken me quite a while to work out where it was.
And now I have to entrust my old driving licence to the ultra-secure couldn't-possibly-go-missing Royal Mail, and I mustn't forget to stick a stamp on the envelope provided. Alternatively there's the option to deliver the form by hand direct to a DVLA local office, but there are only three of those in London (in Wimbledon, Borehamwood and Sidcup), one of which isn't even in London, none of which is in any way convenient. And then, fingers crossed, all that remains is to await the return of upgraded identity documents by return of post. Total cost £25.25.
So be warned, if you've got a photo card driving licence, your ten-year expiry date may come round sooner than you expect. Check the smallprint on the back of your card, or await the reminder letter from the DVLA, and be prepared to get your photo taken. Don't smile please.
