CELEBRITY CELLULITE SCARE It's awful, but have you seen the photos? | LONDON CONTROVERSY RAGES Some politics has happened, and people are very cross. | ACCIDENTAL NIGHTMARE DEATH Hopefully a cyclist somewhere, or a sliced-off bus top. | WEATHER FORECAST About 18, roughly, with showers. Don't forget to take a brolly. | 2 FOR 1 McDONALD'S VOUCHER Because we know where our readers really go to eat. |
TEXT US YOUR OPINIONS I like that Boris, and foreign tourists suck (Katie, Croydon) | KOOKY WEIRDNESS We read about something strange in Thailand. Here's a photo. | TUBE UPDATE There were severe delays on the Jubilee at lunchtime, if that helps. | LOTS OF PHOTOS OF HANDBAGS You can lick them if you like. Mmm, handbags. | CELEB BARES ALL ON TWITTER They're just like you and me, aren't they, only more interesting. |
PET OF THE DAY Awww, see the cuddly guinea pig, awww isn't she cute, so cute. Kitten tomorrow. | WE'VE BEEN TO A PUB IN PUTNEY Which is of bugger all interest to you where you live. | A HILARIOUS COLUMNIST WRITES Should they write for us again? txt YES/NO to 8011045 | LOVESTRUCK ON THE TUBE green hair boy @Holborn, you was eyeing me up, fancy a shag? | ASHES LATEST! (except we went to print four hours ago, so our report's not that useful really) |
PRESS RELEASE RECYCLED Blah blah blah blah cut and paste blah blah blah | ANOTHER PRESS RELEASE RECYCLED This is cutting edge journalism, this is. | TONIGHT'S TV HIGHLIGHTS Sky 1, obviously, and there's another great Sky Movie at 9pm. | YOU MAY HAVE MISSED OUR WORLD NEWS REPORT It was at the bottom of page 5. | NEW HOLLYWOOD MOVIE OUT SOON Your favourite actress is in it, and she looks lush. |
SOMETHNG HAS HAPPENED IN ZONE 6 But nobody cares about the suburbs, so we don't either. | EXTRA TOUGH SUDOKU See if you can fill in the five empty squares (answers tomorrow). | WE LOVE YOUR LOCAL FOOTBALL TEAM And we have some groundless transfer speculation. | Z-LIST GOSSIP Remember this desperate publicity seeker? We're happy to oblige with a story. | RUPERT WOULD RATHER YOU WERE READING THE SUN But who pays for news any more? Damn. |