diamond geezer

 Friday, October 02, 2009

 Alternative (unused) scripts for Boris's Eastenders appearance

Scene 1: The Queen Vic (interior)
Boris: Hail thee serving wench, a pint of your finest fermented barley please.
Peggy: You what?
Boris: Intoxicant from the Bacchanalian vine, the enchanted fruits of Dionysus, quod erat demonstrandum.
Peggy: Don't you come swanning in off the street with your fancy language, young man.
Boris: I'm sorry, am I not in leafy Richmond, home to the cultured and the highly educated?
Peggy: Nah mate, this is bloody Walford innit.
Boris: Dammit. OK, I'll just have a pint of Pimms and be off.

Scene 2: Beale's Plaice (exterior)
Boris: (to a crowd of journalists) And right here is where one of my cycle docking stations will be located.
Ian: Excuse me? You're putting what outside my chippy? I'll be reporting you to the council.
Boris: I'm much more important than the council. I'm the Mayor.
Ian: Crikey. Well I don't want tatty two-wheeled hippies disfiguring the street outside my small business!
Boris: I have a sponsorship opportunity that might interest you - your restaurant's name here on this cycle rack.
Ian: I love you. Would you like to come inside for a photo opportunity?

Scene 3: Albert Square (garden)
Boris: Oh my word, this is perfect for the shooting.
Dot: I say, we'll have no gun crime here (Proverbs chapter 12, verse 7)
Boris: No, I mean this square would be ideal for an Olympic venue. We could put the targets over there by the car lot, and the grandstand could go outside the launderette.
Dot: Mr Papadopolous would never agree to that. He may be Greek, but he thinks the Olympics is a complete waste of money.
Boris: My point entirely. We'll install a cheap temporary venue here using existing infrastructure, and then we won't waste millions on an unwanted facility in Woolwich, and I can cut your council tax by 2p.
Dot: Ooh Mr Johnson, your priorities may be insignificant, but I like them.

Scene 4: Round the back of the allotments
Boris: Are you stalking me or something?
Dirty Ken: I'm going to follow you everywhere until you let me have my manor back.
Boris: Isn't it about time you came to terms with the fact that I got chosen over you?
Dirty Ken: But I was so much more in tune with the people round here, and you're all ineffectual bluster.
Boris: Come on bruv, this ridiculous feud must end.
(choreographed fisticuffs ensue)
(Dirty Ken is hit on the head by a well-aimed doorstop)

Boris: Four more years! Four more years!

Scene 5: Walford East tube station
Bianca: Oi, blondie, why can't I find Walford East on the new tube map?
Boris: I can't believe it! It will be reinstated...

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