Alternative (unused) scripts for Boris's Eastenders appearance
Scene 1:The Queen Vic (interior) Boris: Hail thee serving wench, a pint of your finest fermented barley please. Peggy: You what? Boris: Intoxicant from the Bacchanalian vine, the enchanted fruits of Dionysus, quod erat demonstrandum. Peggy: Don't you come swanning in off the street with your fancy language, young man. Boris: I'm sorry, am I not in leafy Richmond, home to the cultured and the highly educated? Peggy: Nah mate, this is bloody Walford innit. Boris: Dammit. OK, I'll just have a pint of Pimms and be off.
Scene 2:Beale's Plaice (exterior) Boris: (to a crowd of journalists) And right here is where one of my cycle docking stations will be located. Ian: Excuse me? You're putting what outside my chippy? I'll be reporting you to the council. Boris: I'm much more important than the council. I'm the Mayor. Ian: Crikey. Well I don't want tatty two-wheeled hippies disfiguring the street outside my small business! Boris: I have a sponsorship opportunity that might interest you - your restaurant's name here on this cycle rack. Ian: I love you. Would you like to come inside for a photo opportunity?
Scene 3:Albert Square (garden) Boris: Oh my word, this is perfect for the shooting. Dot: I say, we'll have no gun crime here (Proverbs chapter 12, verse 7) Boris: No, I mean this square would be ideal for an Olympic venue. We could put the targets over there by the car lot, and the grandstand could go outside the launderette. Dot: Mr Papadopolous would never agree to that. He may be Greek, but he thinks the Olympics is a complete waste of money. Boris: My point entirely. We'll install a cheap temporary venue here using existing infrastructure, and then we won't waste millions on an unwanted facility in Woolwich, and I can cut your council tax by 2p. Dot: Ooh Mr Johnson, your priorities may be insignificant, but I like them.
Scene 4:Round the back of the allotments Boris: Are you stalking me or something? Dirty Ken: I'm going to follow you everywhere until you let me have my manor back. Boris: Isn't it about time you came to terms with the fact that I got chosen over you? Dirty Ken: But I was so much more in tune with the people round here, and you're all ineffectual bluster. Boris: Come on bruv, this ridiculous feud must end. (choreographed fisticuffs ensue) (Dirty Ken is hit on the head by a well-aimed doorstop) Boris: Four more years! Four more years!
Scene 5:Walford East tube station Bianca: Oi, blondie, why can't I find Walford East on the new tube map? Boris: I can't believe it! It will be reinstated...